


yellow

by wednesdayblues



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Fluff, Football, Friends to Lovers, Lots of Crying, Lots of arguments, M/M, Parties, School, Swearing, Underage Drinking, binsung, changbin is sometimes a dick, confused teens, idk - Freeform, jisung is a panicked gay, unhealthy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-09-14 13:40:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 36,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16913889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wednesdayblues/pseuds/wednesdayblues
Summary: Changbin was yellow.Changbin was the sun, warmth and happiness.Changbin was cowardice, egoism and betrayal.To Jisung, Changbin was yellow.





	1. start line

**Author's Note:**

> let's just pretend chan, changbin and jisung are all the same age in this lmao. 
> 
> this is loosely based off cory and naveed from ackley bridge bc bubs. (also high key recommend you watch the show) 
> 
> i have read over it, but if there are still mistakes im sorry lmao

Jisung had recently moved schools and had somehow found himself friends with the most popular boys in the school. Most surprisingly, they were very much the opposite of who Jisung was. They were outgoing, athletic, adored by all the girls and very much straight. Jisung was basically the opposite. Kind of shy, not at all athletic, and very very gay. 

Jisung knew that they only first talked to him because they thought that he was dating some girl in their year. He wasn't. In fact, she was actually secretly a lesbian and had bonded with Jisung over being gay in a very not gay school. But despite the obvious differences between Jisung and his friends, they didn't judge him for who he was.

Maybe that was because only two of them knew he was gay, but Jisung still appreciated it. 

Within a few weeks of being at his new school, Jisung had become part of the most well known trio of friends in school. Bang Chan, Seo Changbin and Han Jisung. They were an unlikely combination, but got on well and always managed to piss off the teachers when they were together. Chan and Changbin had been best friends for a few years, first meeting each other in year 7. So naturally, at first, Jisung felt like a third wheel. But they accepted him so quickly, that within only a few days Jisung felt like they'd been his friends since he was born.

Jisung told them he was gay when they were all drunk and walking home together from a party. Jisung cried. A lot. But Chan hugged him and Changbin didn't even laugh at his tears. And Jisung's fears that things would change were squashed immediately the next day, when his friends treated him the same way they always had. 

However, despite the fact that his friends excepted him for who he was, Jisung still found himself embarrassed for how different he was to his two friends.

It was at one of these time where he found himself one day feeling like pure shite because he hadn't made the football team. "It's no biggie, Jisung. I swear you don't even like football anyway." Changbin patted his shoulder in an awkward attempt to comfort him.

Jisung pouted. "I don't. But it would've been fun to go with you guys. And an excuse to not go home." He saw sadness grow in both Chan and Changbin's eyes. They both were aware of the fact that Jisung's mum hadn't been so supportive of him since he'd come out to her. "Hey, you can still come and watch us."

Jisung smiles at Chan's suggestion. "Just because I'm gay does not mean I'm going to be your personal cheerleaders." His friends laugh. "Mate, who even said we want you?" Chan shoved his shoulder. 

Jisung laughed again, before they all headed towards the changing rooms. Jisung showered and changed pretty quickly. His friends, however, were a lot slower, probably because they talked too much. Not that Jisung minded though; It meant that he could not so subtly watch Changbin shirtless and with wet hair without being caught out. 

The underlying feeling that his emotions towards Changbin were wrong were always squashed when he saw the elder shirtless, doing something athletic or even just laughing cutely. Jisung had developed what he considered to be his biggest ever crush, on Changbin. His best friend. His very much straight best friend. Jisung knew that there would be no point in acting upon his feelings, and he was more than okay with that.

For Jisung, being able to be such a close friend to Changbin, being able to seen both his best and worst moments, meant more than anything. He wouldn't dare to sacrifice their friendship for a silly crush. 

The three boys left school after they'd all changed and headed towards the chicken shop next to their school. After getting their food, they all headed to the park, talking about the football tryouts on the way.

"I'm still pissed that Sir made you captain and not me." Chan grumbled before stuffing a chip into his mouth. Jisung and Changbin gave eachother a look before bursting out into laughter.

"Chan, seriously, I'm obviously way better than you." Changbin's cocky, but playful tone made Chan roll his eyes. "Don't test me, Changbin."

The three laughed again, finally at the park. They went to their usual swings and sat down. After a few minutes of quiet eating, Jisung spoke up. "Guys, I want to get drunk and cry."

His friends turned to him in confusion. "Is everything okay, Ji?" Chan's concern was clear in his voice. The youngest of the three nodded, but didn't say anything. "Are you still bummed out about football?"

Jisung hated how Changbin knew him so well. He nodded softly and could hear his friends sigh. "Seriously Jisung, don't beat yourself up about it. Footballs not your thing, but that's okay."

Jisung knew Changbin was right but for some reason he still felt sad about it. "I feel like I'm being a tad dramatic, but, well I don't even know. I guess.I just really wanted to not seem like the 'other' guy for once."

Chan smacked his arm. "Jisung. You need to stop thinking you're inferior to us. We love you, mate. Not like that obviously, but like family. We see you as no less than us just because you're shit at football."

Jisung couldn't help but smile. He felt bad for bringing the mood down so decided to joke around a little. "Bloody hell, shits a bit harsh is it not?" 

Changbin scoffed. "No offence, Ji, but shit is putting it lightly." Jisung threw a chip at him before running away so he wouldn't be hit back. He spent the evening laughing and enjoying the presence of his friends, the worries in his mind temporarily put to rest by the overwhelming happiness Chan and Changbin gave him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> something's wrong with changbin  
> jisung want to find out what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> forgot to mention that they all 17/18 in this

It was the middle of a Tuesday night when Jisung's phone woke him up. Tired and disorientated, Jisung answered the call with a confused, "hello?"

"Ji. Hey. Help."

Jisung sat up more alerted at the sound of Changbins voice. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. But this girls finally asleep and I want to go home but like I'm kind of too tired but I really don't want her to think this was some kind of serious thing that we did so I need to go and I really just want to go home to be honest and I'm like, in her toilet. Help."

Jisung sighed. He knew Changbin hated one night stands but also knew the boy always ended up having them anyway. Changbin for some reason was easily tempted by cute girls but would always come to Jisung full of shame and regret the next morning. Chan had said that Changbin was getting better, and that he used to be a lot worse before Jisung joined the school, but even so, Changbin would still find himself in the same situation more often than he liked to admit. 

"Text me your location, I'll come get you."

Luckily for Jisung, the girl only lived a few roads away so he could just walked to her house rather than drive and risk waking his mum up looking for the car keys. When he arrived, Jisung was greeted with a slightly tipsy Changbin. "I'm sorry, Jisung." Jisung shook his head, "Don't be sorry Changbin. Especially not to me." Jisung turned around and began to walk, gesturing for Changbin to follow, but soon realised he wasn't moving. Apparently, he was more drunk than Jisung had realised, as he started crying, almost silently, but the tears rolling down his cheeks glistened clearly under the streetlights.

Jisung sighed, grabbing Changbins hand and dragging the emotional boy towards his own house. Changbin lived quite far from Jisung however, and it soon became clear that Changbin needed as much sleep as he could get if he were to function the next day. So Jisung decided to drag his drunken friend back to his house, quietly sneaking the boy into his room so as to not wake Jisung's mum.

Changbin fell onto Jisung's bed, falling asleep almost instantly. Jisung just sighed, and with a big yawn, chucked a pillow and and blanket to the floor so he could try and get at least a little more sleep.

\------

The two boys were abruptly awoken the next morning by Jisung's obnoxiously loud alarm. "Fucking hell, I feel like death." Changbin groaned whilst stretching. The rising sun against the sleepy boys skin created such a beautiful visual for Jisung, who was soon snapped out of his daze by his mum shouting that she was leaving for work.

"Wait, what?"

Jisung jumped up and looked at the time on his phone. His mum only ever left 5 minutes before he had to, meaning the two boys had 5 minutes to get ready and leave. Jisung quickly grabbed a shirt out of his wardrobe and began to get changed. He was just about to pull his underwear down when Changbin yelled out in surprised, reminding Jisung of his presence. The boy was still sat in bed and had just been watching Jisung change. Jisung felt a sudden nervousness envelope him, and he couldn't manage to make eye contact with Changbin due to his embarrassment.

"Chill out, Ji. We'll just be late, it's not a big deal. I'm not trying to break my leg just to get to school on time."

"But I'm never late." Jisung pouted, huffing out a breath of frustration. Changbin laughed and muttered something under his breath before speaking up again. "Exactly, so it won't matter if you're late just this once, will it?" 

Jisung wanted to argue but couldn't muster up the energy. "You took the bed." Jisung complained, sitting down on the floor. Changbin frowned, "Last time you just rolled me onto the floor. Why didn't you just do that again?"

"Changbin, you were crying your eyes out and literally collapsed onto my bed in exhaustion. Like, I'm not that much of a heartless bitch."

Changbin seemed to tense at the mention of his crying. Jisung realised that the moment may have been wiped from Changbin's memory. "Oh yeah. Sorry about that. I must've drunk too much." Something about Changbin words seemed forced but Jisung was too tired to analyse his friend properly. 

"Okay, we seriously need to get ready for school though."

Changbin just nodded in agreement.

\-------

They arrived to school during second period, when they both conveniently had psychology. They walked into class together, apologising for their late arrival and sat down together at the back of the class.

"Thanks for letting me stay at yours."

"It's fine. Just don't get use to it, okay?"

Changbin nodded and turned back to the front of the class. Jisung could tell there was something wrong but didn't want to ask in such an open environment. So he just left it and decided to attempt to pay attention to the lesson.

After class, Jisung pulled Changbin aside before they went out to see their other friends. "Are you okay? Like, has something happened or anything?" Jisung could almost see the walls beginning to build in Changbin's eyes. "I'm great, why wouldn't I be?"

Jisung knew that was the usual cue to just leave it but something wasn't settling right with him so agasint what he knew was right, he pushed a little further. "Are you sure though? You know you can tell me any-"

"For fucks sake, Jisung, I'm fine. What is wrong with you today? Stop being whiny and giving me a headache." And with that, Changbin stormed outside leaving behind a confused Jisung.

He wasn't too sure why the response had been so dramatic and so unusually hurtful. The tone Changbin had used stung a little but Jisung shrugged it off and went outside to look for Chan, or any of his other friends.

Chan was with Changbin, who seemed to be strangely laughing and smiling, despite his outburst of anger just a few seconds before. Jisung was confused, hurt and just not in the mood for a fight. So even though he saw Chan gesture him over, Jisung turned around and went to find some other friends.

Unsurprisingly, Chan brought it up when he found Jisung studying in the library during their free period. "Hey, are you alright?" Jisung just shrugged, knowing that he was being vague. "Changbin said you seemed a bit off today but I just wanted to check you were okay."

Jisung groaned in frustration. "Tell Changbin to go fuck himself. Ungrateful little bi-" Chan covered Jisung's mouth before he could finish.  
"Jisung! Where did that even come from?" Chan seemed more than confused at his outburst. Jisung sighed, knowing his words were over the top but he was just so annoyed. He had helped Changbin out, at like 2.30 in the morning, and let him sleep in his bed. He had seen him cry and was only trying to be nice by asking if anything was wrong. Jisung was just so frustrated.

"I'm just not in the mood for his shit right now. You get me?" Jisung looked up hopeful at Chan, who just nodded in response. "I get you. Its fine. He's clearly pissed you off a bit so just have some space to breathe." Jisung was so grateful to hear Chans understanding of his emotions.

"But are you going to be good by the end of the day? Because I want you to come to our practice..."

Jisung just sighed. "I'll think about it." Chan gave a grateful nod before saying goodbye and leaving Jisung alone again.

\------

Jisung ended up going to watch the practice and was sat shivering cold, sitting on the grass. He knew Changbin had a jumper in his locker, but he wasn't sure if it would be appropriate to ask for it yet, considering their mini argument. Apparently though, it would've been, as at some point, Changbin came running up, chucking said jumper onto Jisung's head, who gratefully put it on, inhaling Changbin's comforting scent. Changbin was back to practice before Jisung could even say thank you but Jisung's wide smile was enough for Changbin to know he was grateful.

The practice seemed to go by faster after that, and soon enough the session was over. Chan and Changbin were dripping in sweat, and although Jisung would usually vomit at the site, something about the way Changbin looked made his heart beat faster than it should have. "Should bring a coat next time." Changbin said, a slight playful tone to his words. Jisung laughed, "Who said there's a next time? If I have to smell your sweat everytime I might have to pass." Both of his friends hit him before running off to change.

Jisung was just happy he was on good terms with Changbin again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> christmas is coming  
> and jisung sees a new side to changbin

A whole day passed by and it was like nothing had ever happened again. The days were beginning to get colder and, now 5 days into November, Jisung was starting to get excited for Christmas.

And it seemed his school were too, as their were multiple posters up around the school about auditions for a Christmas play. It was only allowing students in year 11 and above to join and Jisung knew that meant it was targetting his year group, year 12, as the year 11's had exams. Jisung loved acting and singing and dancing. He loved the feeling of being on stage, the cheers after a successful performance. Almost every ounce of him wanted to audition but he didn't want to do it alone.

"Do you think anyone will audition?" Jisung asked his friends, genuinely curious to know the answer. He wasn't sure how the students at the school felt towards drama and acting. Judging by Changbin's expression though, it wasn't good.

"Probably no-one. They've always been pretty shit so no-one even bothers to audition anymore."

Jisung tried to hold back his disappointment but Chan managed to catch on to it. "Hey, that doesn't mean you can't audition still. Who knows, maybe it will be decent this year."

Jisung appreciated the effort but still shook his head. "Not too bothered about it anyway." His friends seemed to accept his answer and no more was said of the topic. That was until Jisung and Changbin were in psychology. The teacher was talking about something to do with attachment, and Jisung knew he needed to concentrate but he was still disappointed about the Christmas play. Changbin seemed to notice though, nudging Jisungs arm to get his attention. "Ji, if you really want to audition for that play, I'll do it with you."

Jisung almost laughed at the thought of Changbin dressed up in costume, acting out some ridiculous role. "No, you won't" Jisung noticed Changbin's pout and hoped his heart wasn't beating too loudly. "Yes. I will. Who knows, maybe I'll even get the lead." Changbin spoke with such confidence that Jisung decided to take his word for it. "Okay. Tomorrow after school then?" Changbin just nodded, smiling almost with pride for getting Jisung to agree.

\------

It was the afternoon of the next day, and somehow, Changbin had convinced half of the year group to audition too. He could even seen people like Kim Seungmin, who Jisung knew absolutely hated being in the spotlight, and Hwang Hyunjin, who Jisung knew had dedicated his whole life to swimming, and would've probably called the auditions a waste of time. Except they were there. And so were so many other people. Even Chan had offered to do the lighting for the show.

As a result of so many people turning up, Changbin and Jisung found themselves sitting on the floor, waiting in line for their turn. "Why do you like it?" Changbin suddenly asked. His voice was soft and almost vulnerable, a side that Jisung rarely ever got to see of his friend. "What, acting?" Changbin nodded in confirmation, so Jisung sat for a moment, trying to think of an answer.

"I guess, I just like being able to be whoever I want to be. Or like, being able to express myself, without people knowing that everything I say is personal to me. I just like the feeling of being free."

They sat in silence for a minute or so after Jisung answered. Eventually though, Changbin sighed, "I wish I could feel that sometimes too." His words were so quiet that Jisung was unsure if they were meant to be heard. Changbin turned to look at him, vulnerability clear in his eyes. Jisung almost suffocated from holding his breath due to their close proximity. The moment was broken by Jisung being called to audition, and Changbin seemed to snap back to his usual cocky self. "Make sure you do good, otherwise I'll end up with the main part."

Jisung laughed, his heart racing. He was unsure whether it was down to his nerves for the audition or because of Changbin. But Jisung quickly cleared the latter from his mind so he could focus on getting the best part in the play.

\------

After all the auditions were finished, the roles were announced and Jisung was pleased to see he got the main role. He was also surprised to see Changbin get a pretty big part too, but was nonetheless proud of his friend.

They found Chan waiting for them in reception, and he instantly congratulated then both on their parts. Jisung had almost expected Changbin to act awkward towards him, but he didn't. His friend seemed so positive and hyper that Jisung almost convinced himself that he dreamed that moment of vulnerability.

"So, are we all still up for Jaemin's party tomorrow night?" Chan asked, though his tone suggested he himself wasn't even in the mood for it.

Jisung didn't even know it was happening. "He didn't invite me." He said with a little shrug, not even that bothered about it. He could almost hear Changbin rolling his eyes, "Everyone was, he said so."

Jisung still shrugged, "Yeah, but even so, I don't know if I'm really up for it."

"Same, and if you're not going to go, then I won't bother either." Chan said, much to Changbin's disappointment. "What?! Guys please, otherwise I have to spend my Saturday night babysitting Jeongin and I'm really not in the mood for him."

Jeongin was quite literally everything Changbin wasn't. He was smart, got good grades, didn't go to parties and never got drunk. He'd never kissed anyone and wasn't athletic at all. Jisung sometimes forgot they were brothers because of how different they were, even though they were only one year apart.

"Changbin, Jeongin is 15, nearly 16. He hardly needs to be looked after like a baby, and you don't need us to go to the party." Jisung said.

Changbin sighed, "First of all, literally try telling that to my dad, secondly, I'm not in the mood to socialise with anyone but you guys right now."

"Wow, Changbin, not in the mood for a meaningless hookup, are you feeling okay?" Chan's voice was dripping with sarcasm and thankfully Changbin didn't take the words to heart, instead just shoving Chan to the side.

"Fine, if you lot don't want to go the the party, then come round mine and we'll get drunk there." Changbin huffed, his voice making him sound slightly desperate.

"Changbin, I'm not in the mood to get drunk. I just want to sleep. And besides, I have to go to my aunts wedding on Sunday so, no." Chan said, leaving Changbin to turn to Jisung with hopeful eyes.

Jisung groaned, fully aware of his weakness to Changbin. "Fine. But I'm not getting shit faced and neither will you. We'll just play some fifa or something." Changbin yelled out in joy, overly dramatically, causing his friends to burst out laughing.

"Damn, Jisung, you're so weak." Chan laughed. Jisung didn't argue because he knew Chan was right. The three boys eventually part from eachother and Jisung arrived home with slight regret and slight excitement from agreeing to go to Changbin's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow okay so jeongin is changbins lil bro, he's in year 11 (15yrs old)
> 
> hope you enjoyed the new chapter, sorry if things seem to be moving quite slow, or the the chapters seem quite short but more stuff will start happening soon


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a chill saturday full of chats  
> and drunken thoughts

It was 4pm on a Saturday and Jisung was stood outside Changbin's house in grey sweatpants and a puffy jacket, trying to not frezze to death in the winter weather. Soon after he knocked, the door was swung open by Changbin's little brother.

"Hey Jeongin."

The boy waved, moving to the side to let Jisung in. "Changbin's asleep in his room, so you can just go up and wake him." Jisung nodded, and left Jeongin to go upstairs and wake Changbin. He entered his room to see the boy lying flat on his stomach, mouth open wide with his saliva dripping onto the pillow. Jisung gagged in disgust. He picked up a rolled pair of socks from the floor and chucked them towards Changbin's face. But there was a reason his friends said he was shit at sports, and the socks ending up hitting Changbin's lamp instead. Still, the noise managed to wake him up.

"What the fuck?" He exclaimed loudly, sleep lines obvious on his face. Jisung just laughed at his friends expression, watching as Changbin finally realised who had woken him. "Oh. Hey Ji. Why are you here?" Once again, Jisung laughed, walking towards Changbin's bed and sitting down next to him. "You invited me, idiot."

Changbin yawned and nodded. "Oh yeah. Sorry I must've overslept." Jisung didn't even bother mentioning that it was already 4.15.  Changbin mumbled something about being hungry so Jisung suggesting going to get food. "I really fancy some chicken nuggets."

And with that, Changbin quickly changed and they both went downstairs, putting their shoes on to leave. "Hey Jeongin, you want anything from McDonald's?" The young boy came out from the kitchen, nodding his head. "Big mac and a strawberry milkshake please." Jisung smiled at Jeongin, who cutely smiled back.

"Okay, but you have to pay me back at some point." Changbin said before pushing Jisung out of the house and closing the door behind them. The cold air was harsh against Jisung's skin and he shivered slightly from the sudden change in temperature. "What were you so tired for anyway?" He asked, trying to prompt a conversation.

"Stayed up until like, 4am. I forgot to set an alarm, sorry." 

Jisung just shrugged. "I don't mind, but why did you even stay up that late? You literally can't function without sleep." 

Changbin laughed. "Yeah, I know. But I started talking to this girl and like we ended up having some deep chats and stuff. She was really nice and she's like really hot too, so like I wasn't going to waste the opportunity." 

Jisung wasn't even surprised. Changbin was a fuck boy, and that was that. But even though Jisung was used to it, he still felt his heart ache ever so slightly every time Changbin mentioned a girl. He didn't want to call it jealousy, because he was hardly jealous of girls being hit on by a fuck boy, but it definitely made him feel some kind of emotion, and he really didn't like it. 

It wasn't long before they arrived at McDonald's and ordered their food. They were walking back to Changbin's house, eating chips and talking about football. 

"Yeah, we've got to start going practice like three times a week after school." 

"What, why? and I'm definitely not going to all of those, so you'll have to do without my presence."

Changbin shoved Jisung's shoulder. "The final game of this year is coming up so we got to do good, and we need to practice like a shitload for that to happen.And me and Chan dont expect you to come either. I'll probably do better without your ugly face distracting me the whole time anyway."

Jisung playfully stuck out his tongue and Changbin laughed. "I literally have never heard of this match before." Jisung said, before eating another chip. He heard Changbin snort and he scrunched his nose in disgust. "We literally haven't shut up about it. I feel like you just let anything to do with sport woosh over your head." 

Jisung just agreed because he knew that was probably true, for every sport except from ice skating and dance, which he actually found interesting. "When is it then? I've got to make sure I'm not all booked up?" 

Changbin gave him a look before speaking, "Stop acting like you have a social life outside of me and Chan. It's on the 4th of December, so you better be there because this is more than enough notice." 

"Ah yes, because how would you two survive without your trusty cheerleader?" Jisung joked, causing Changbin to laugh and consequently choke on the chip he was eating. Jisung did nothing to help, and just continued to watch his friend in amusement. 

After the two arrived home and finished their food, Changbin pulled out a few drinks for them to have. "Jeongin if you say anything to dad, I will fucking kill you." Changbin's face was dark and intimidating but Jeongin just rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't do that. But I'm not helping you out if you get completely pissed." He left Changbin's room, shutting the door behind him. 

Jisung looked over to Changbin. "You really shouldn't be so harsh on him, he's a nice kid." Changbin took a large swig of his drink before responding, "Trust me, you wouldn't be saying that if you lived with him." 

Jisung took a sip out of his own drink, "Probably true. Good thing I'm an only child then." Changbin nodded in agreement, "God, imagine a mini you, how gross would that be." Jisung faked offence and hit Changbin lightly on the head. "Ouch, my poor little heart." 

They spent the rest of the evening playing fifa, despite Jisung being shit at it, talking about life and getting more and more drunk. It was around half ten when Jisung heard the front door go, indicating Changbin's dad was home. "That's my cue to leave." Jisung said, standing up and stretching. Changbin pouted, grabbing onto Jisung's hand, "So soon? I want you to stay a little longer." There was a pause before Jisung burst out laughing, holding his chest to try and control his amusement. "Changbin, how drunk are you? You're fully acting like I'm just another girl you're spending the night with." He ignored the flash of hurt in Changbin's eyes, telling himself that they had both drank more than they should have. 

The look of need in Changbin's eyes willed him to stay, but Jisung resisted and waved goodbye to his friend before leaving the room. He took a deep breath to calm down and collect his thoughts. Jeongin was conveniently walking up the stairs just as Jisung was coming down so he said goodbye to the young boy before quietly letting himself out of the front door. 

It was a dark chilly night, and Jisung could see his own breath in the cold air. He willed himself to sober up. He thought about the way Changbin had looked at him and felt the blood rush to his face. Despite the cold his face was burning, thinking about how Changbin seemed to want Jisung. To need him. Jisung told himself he was blowing things out of proportion, but he couldn't get the thought out of his mind. 

The idea that maybe it was possible that Changbin liked him back. 

Jisung almost refused to believe it, but it lingered on his mind, all through the night. 

Changbin might like him back.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the arrival of the final match  
> leaves emotions running high

.  
The month seem to speed by, with rehearsals for the play and football practice taking up so much of Jisung's and his friends time. The rush of it all meant the three friends seemed to spend less time together, but, despite the temporary distance, Jisung could  still noticed that something was wrong with Changbin.

It was one morning, when the three had turned up late to school together, that a teacher pulled Changbin to the side. Jisung knew Changbin was close with the teacher, and that he had helped him through a lot of tough times, so the sudden chat indicated that Jisung was right in thinking that something was up.

Chan walked ahead, going to his biology lesson, but Jisung decided to wait, and when Changbin finally came up to him, he asked a simple, "Are you okay?" Changbin took a moment to respond, "Just my dad, it's nothing big." Jisung frowned, knowing that Changbin didn't have the best relationship with his dad, and knowing that he was often shouted and screamed at by his dad. Jisung wouldn't outright call it verbal abuse to Changbin's face, but he knew that's what it was. "Okay, but you know you can always talk to me, yeah?"

Changbin smiled, and nodded, that same vulnerability in his eyes. "Thanks, Ji."

The two made their way to psychology together. "You excited for the game tomorrow?" Jisung asked, attempting to take Changbin's mind off whatever was bothering him.

"Not really. Sir's just told me there will be a scout there, and like, this will be a great chance for me to finally do something with my life. I really didn't need that added pressure." Changbin's eyebrows were furrowed, the stress evident on his face. Jisung stopped walking and made his friend turn towards him. 

"Changbin, what happened?" 

The boy sighed deeply, looking everywhere but at Jisung. "Well, you know how my dad shouts at me a lot. Well, the other day, he shouted at Jeongin. Like really bad. And he got so mad, Ji. Like I've never seen him so mad. But I didn't even get involved and then dad hit him, like a proper smack. I've never seen Jeongin cry so much."

Jisung stood stunned. He hadn't expected that. The sadness was clear in Changbin's voice but his expression showed no signs of weakness. "Changbin, has your dad hit you before?" 

"A couple of times, yeah. But not in ages. And he's never even shouted at Jeongin before. I could see how scared he was and I still didn't do anything. What kind of shit brother am I? He won't even look at me anymore." Changbin's eyes seemed to glisten with tears. 

Jisung said nothing but pulled his friend into a hug, reassuring him that it wasn't his fault. "You were scared too. That's okay." He could hear Changbin's sniffles, and felt his heart ache at the sound. 

The bell, however, suddenly rang, signalling the end of the first period and Changbin jumped away from Jisung in lightning speed, wiping the tears from his eyes and putting on a cold exterior almost instantly. Jisung was shocked at the sudden change but knew it would be better to say nothing. The two made their way to English, where they were reunited with Chan. Jisung noticed Chan's curious stare and gave him a look, which made him immediately stop and leave Changbin alone. They spoke no more on the matter. 

\------

The day of the match finally arrived, and both Chan and Changbin were nervous. The whole day they wouldn't stop talking about football and Jisung was so done with it, but let them have their moment. During lunch, Chan and Changbin had to practice so Jisung found himself alone and debating on where to sit. But when he saw Jeongin sitting alone at the far end of the playground, a thought came to mind. 

He quickly made his way over to where Changbin's brother was sat, and sat directly in front of him. "Hey Jeongin." 

The boy said nothing, only giving Jisung a look of annoyance. He looked tired and more rough than usual and Jisung couldn't help the worry bubbling inside of him. "You looked a bit lonely and I'm lonely right now so are you okay with me sitting here?" Much to Jisung's surprise, Jeongin nodded. They sat in silence for a bit before Jeongin spoke. 

"Did Changbin send you?" 

Jisung rapidly shook his head. "No, of course not. I just haven't seen you around lately. I was just a bit worried, that's all." He saw Jeongin sigh, and mumble something to himself before he finally sat up straight and looked Jisung in the eye. 

"I'm fine. I'm just, angry, I guess." 

Jisung nodded in understanding. "I get why you would be. But you know your brother loves you right?" Jeongin gave him a look and Jisung was sad to see how Jeongin truly didn't realise. Jisung got along well with Jeongin, so knew the boy wouldn't take his words lightly. 

"Trust me, Jeongin. He loves you. More than anything. He feels awful. And I haven't seen him so beat up about something before. So trust me, Jeongin. He is so so sorry." 

Jeongin seemed to hesitate before nodding. "Okay, you can go now. Tell Changbin I said good luck." Jisung didn't argue and got up and left the boy straight away, his heart heavy. 

The rest of the day flew by and before Jisung could even blink, the match was upon them. The team were given a brief motivational speech before they all raced out of the changing rooms to start warming up. Changbin however stayed inside. Jisung was somewhat grateful to see he was still there when he snuck into the changing rooms, a bottle of water in hand. "For you." Changbin smiled and took the bottle. 

There was a moment of silence before Changbin spoke up. "I'm gonna blow this." His voice was shaky and Jisung could see the stress enveloping his whole body. "No, you're not. Come on, even Jeongin said good luck." 

Changbin looked up in surprise, "He did?" and he smiled when Jisung just nodded. But not for long. "I can't do this, Jisung. I'm going to fuck it up, like I always do." Jisung step closer to Changbin and grabbed him by the shoulders. "Don't say that. You're going to smash it. You're going to be amazing." 

Changbin just shook his head but Jisung pushed on. "Seriously, Changbin. Look at me. You're going to be amazing. Say it." Changbin stared into Jisung's eyes, before shyly saying "I'm going to be amazing." 

Jisung shook his head. "Louder. Say it like you mean it." Changbin laughed, "Fine, I'm going to be amazing." His voice was more assertive but Jisung pushed once again for more confidence.   
Some how the space between them a had shrinked, their foreheads pressed up against each other as Changbin whispered, "I'm going to be amazing." 

They were close. They were so so close. Jisung felt his heart racing, his hands going clammy, his legs slowly turning to jelly. Against all his rational thoughts, he glanced down at Changbin's lips, unknowing that Changbin was already looking his. There was a moment of pure nothing, before Changbin leaned in and closed the gap, lips crashing together in a passionate kiss. 

Jisung felt like suddenly, nothing else mattered. They eventually pulled apart, breathless, eyes shut so as not to return to reality so soon. Jisung felt Changbin lean in once again, until he stopped. The sudden movement as he pulled away forced  Jisung's eyes to open, to meet with Changbin's. "What are you doing?" The words Changbin's used stung, and confusion began to slowly spread over him. However, Jisung had no time to respond as the two jumped apart at the sound of someone else entering the room. It was Chan, completely unaware of what had just happened. "Come on, Changbin. The games going to start soon." Changbin just nodded and ran out of the changing room without even glancing back at Jisung. 

Jisung stayed alone in the changing rooms, his skin still burning from where Changbin's touch had been just moments before. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. But instead he just decided to go home, his heart still aching as he wept into his pillow that night with only thoughts of Changbin on his mind.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> changbin is a dick  
> jisung isn't in the mood

Jisung woke the next morning with a heavy heart. He didn't, however, have time to mourn as he glanced at his phone and noticed an unusual abundance of notifications on his screen. He sat up and grabbed his phone, even more confused to see the 87 messages and a dozen voice messages were from Jeongin.

Still half asleep, Jisung tapped on the messages, feeling his heart drop as he read the messages.

'Where are you?'

'Chan's hurt.'

'Have you seen Changbin?'

'Tell him he's a fucking idiot if you have.'

'Seriously you need to pick up.'

'They're taking Chan to hospital.'

Jisung stopped reading the messages jumping out of bed, before he dialled Jeongin's number. He put the boy on speaker and began to get changed, anxiously waiting for the boy the answer.

"Finally. Oh my god, Jisung. Why weren't you at the game? It all went absolutely tits up. It was a fucking disaster. Why weren't you there?"

Jisung hesitating before responding, "Something came up. But explain. What happened?"

He could here Jeongin take a deep breath. "Well the game started and for some reason Changbin looked like utter shit. Like he seemed so tense. And then he saw me, and he just seemed to get even more tense. Like he seemed so on edge. And I guess he was, because then dad came, and Changbin must've realised at some point and like I don't even know what happened really but Chan was on the floor, Changbin was crying, there was an ambulance. Fuck, it was so messy."

Jisung had already left his house, making his way to Changbin's house. "Is Changbin at home?"

"No, he went to the hospital already."

"Okay, I'm coming to get you. We'll go the the hospital together, yeah?"

He heard Jeongin's small 'okay' before he hung up the phone and began running. He felt his hands shaking and tears coming to his eyes. Clearly Changbin didn't feel the same. He was angry. So angry that he managed to hurt one of his best Friends. Jisung wiped the tears before they could fall, speeding up his pace.

When he finally arrived, him and Jeongin immediately began to make their way to the bus stop to get to the hospital. "What happened to Chan?"

"I don't think it's too bad. He broke his leg and sprained his wrist or something."

Jisung frowned, "How did that even happen?"

Jeongin shrugged. "I can't even remember. I think Changbin basically shoved him over and like, jumped and landed on top of him."

Jisung grimaced at the painful image in his mind. They spent the bus journey in pure silence, but soon arrived to the hospital, walking as fast as they could to where Chan was. Jisung could hear them before he could see them, laughing and joking. He smiled, as obviously Chan wasn't holding a grudge.

It was clear, however, that Changbin was. As soon as he noticed Jisung's and Jeongin's presence he excused himself to the toilet, not even looking at Jisung whilst he did so. Jisung ignore the throbbing ache in his heart and instead dedicated all his focus onto Chan.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there. Something came up."

Chan laughed. "Mate, don't be sorry. You got a lucky escape. This shit was not a pretty sight, trust me." He gestured towards his bandaged leg and arm. Jisung was surprised that Jeongin was right about the extent of the damage Changbin had caused.

"Yeah I know right, who knew he was such a heavy little prick." Jisung smiled at Chan. A sudden noise of someone clearing their throat caused Jisung to flinch. "Hey, Chan. Sorry about my brother." Jeongin's sad little face was so adorable and Jisung wanted to just hug him.

"It's alright, Jeongin. Not your fault. Look after your brother though, for me. I know he's a dick but he's kind of sensitive."

Jeongin smiled and nodded, just as Changbin returned. He briefly met eyes with Jisung, but they held nothing but coldness behind them. "We should probably be getting going" He said, gesturing for Jeongin to follow him. He hugged Chan before going to stand behind his older brother. "I'll visit again tomorrow, Chan. Bye."

He left without even acknowledging Jisung's presence, and Jisung felt the tug in his heart. Chan seemed to notice. "Did you two fight or something?"

Jisung just shrugged, "Yeah, something like that."

Chan just nodded, and swiftly moved on to talk about meaningless stuff. Jisung listened but couldn't find it in himself to enjoy the conversation, his heart still too hung up on Changbin.

\------

It was Monday. Chan was still in hospital, meaning Jisung and Changbin would be alone at school. Or so Jisung thought. But instead they found himself sat at a table with Hwang Hyunjin, Lee minho and Kim Woojin. They were all loud and confident and Jisung found his voice was easily lost amongst the noise. Despite how loud his own voice could be, he didn't feel comfortable enough to be himself. He was sat awkwardly next to Changbin, being forced to listen to a conversation about some girl they all wanted to get with from a school on the other side of town. Apparently, some girl overheard the boys and starting ranting about sexualising girls to them. Changbin leaned over, and nudge him with his elbow. "No point of you hearing this, is there?" The condescending tone made Jisung feel sick. He didn't laugh and only turned away from his friend. Changbin scoffed. "It was a joke. Don't be so sensitive."

Jisung ignored him, and soon enough Changbin rejoined the conversation, which was now about how Hyunjin had the girl from across town's snapchat. He sat, not listening to the conversation and instead letting the anger inside him bubble away. Why was Changbin such a dick?

It was the end of the school day, and Changbin was still only talking to Hyunjin, Woojin and Minho. "Hey guys, I'm going to get something from my locker, but I'll see you tomorrow." Jisung spoke, surprised his voice had even been acknowledged as they all turned to face him. 

They all waved, except from Changbin who just stared with empty eyes. Jisung frowned before quickly turning around and leaving the uncomfortable atmosphere. He thought he would be sad about the way Changbin was acting, but instead he was just pissed off.

Changbin had practically ignored him the whole day, only speaking to him to make snide comments about him being gay, and Jisung was fucking annoyed. He didn't understand why he was being so immature and so utterly obnoxious. He could accept that Changbin hadn't wanted the kiss. As much as Jisung had wanted it, and despite it being Changbin who initiated the kiss, Jisung could find it in himself to get over it, and play it off as a mistake. He didn't appreciate Changbin acting like he was less that him all of a sudden just because of it though.

He felt so angry that he didn't even want to see Changbin's face.

So he avoided him.

The next day, the fire alarm had been pulled so all the kids were lined up outside. Jisung could see Changbin from where he was stood, yet no part of him desired to speak to the other. "Maybe you should just talk to him, if it was only a stupid argument." Jisung had spent the day with Seungmin so far, and had been able to vent out his frustrations about Changbin's reaction to their 'argument.' He wouldn't dare tell Seungmin about the kiss, though a part of him knew Seungmin would probably give great advice.

"I'm not talking to him until he apologises for being a prick."

Seungmin laughed loudly, which seemingly caught the attention of Changbin, who turned around to meet Jisung's eyes. But Jisung instantly broke the eye contact, unwilling to feel any sympathy for his friend. "See, he seems like he wants to talk. And he's not even hanging out with anyone today, so you could talk properly."

Jisung raised his eyebrows at Seungmin. "Look, I said what I said. I'm not even acknowledging his existence until he apologises." He heard Seungmin sigh and mumble a little okay.

Jisung glanced briefly over to where Changbin was stood once again, the boy in question looking down at the floor, playing with the hen of his shirt. He seemed so alone and Jisung almost wanted to check he was okay, but reminded himself that Changbin hadn't yet checked if he was okay.

And so he spent the rest of the day with Seungmin, not talking to Changbin once throughout the whole day. He even began to consider doing it for the whole week, until Seungmin reminded him of the Christmas play. "You excited for Friday? I am. But we have to stay in school after school until, like, six which I'm kind of not excited for."

Jisung realised that meant three and a half hours of being stuck in the same room as Changbin. He doubted he would be able to cope without finally screaming at the other for being so cruel. "We get free pizza though." Seungmin continued, and Jisung just nodded, too distracted to attempt communication with Seungmin.

He decided he had to mentally prepare himself for Friday, because his heart was telling him that it would not be fun. He glanced a final time in Changbin's direction but the boy was already gone.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the christmas performance  
> and a day to forgive and forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating for the past two days. i was bare tired because of my mocks. sorry:(
> 
> hopefully i should update regularly again from now.

It was Friday, and Jisung had managed to get through the whole day with having only minimal conversation with Changbin. Jisung had mainly hung out with Seungmin, or otherwise on his own.

However, as soon as the final bell of the day rang, Jisung knew it would be harder to avoid Changbin. But he was still determined to try. He made his way to the drama studio, and when he got there, realised he was one of the first to arrive.

He waited alone for a while, before Seungmin walked in with Changbin right behind him. They seemed to have been talking and Jisung just prayed it wasn't about him. "Hey Ji." Changbin said, and Jisung for some reason didn't appreciate it. Changbin didn't deserve to be friendly with him. Jisung could handle Changbin asking to borrow a pen but he still felt too awkward, too ashamed and too frustrated to talk properly. 

Over the days since the kiss, Jisung had somehow turned the blame on to himself, so he constantly thought back on the kiss with guilt and regret. He thankfully was saved of an awkward escape when the teacher called for him. "Jisung, come here for a monent." Jisung had to stop himself from running in relief.

The teacher gave him some motivation and words of advice for his role. As the teacher spoke, Jisung began to dread the performance more and more. There seemed to be so much expectation upon him. He continued to nod and smile at the teacher despite his sudden doubts.

The rest of the time was spent rehearsing, and as such, Changbin had no time to make conversation with him. The performance was closing in and everyone was putting their costumes on, excitement and nerves hanging in the air. "You ready?" Seungmin said, whilst putting on some green face paint. Jisung shrugged, "Probably not but what can you do?"

Seungmin's little laugh was cut off by the teacher making a speech. "I'm so proud of you all and no matter what happens to night, I'll still be proud of you. But I know you'll be amazing. Come on, let's boost the team spirit. Everybody hold hands."

Seungmin held Jisung's right hand, and to his left, Changbin was suddenly there, reaching for contact. Jisung flinched away before quickly grabbing on to some other girls hand. The teacher said a few more words of inspiration before clapping and telling everyone they had five minutes.

Jisung felt sick. He suddenly couldn't stop thinking about everything that could go wrong. He started to feel light headed so decided to quietly take a trip outside. The cold winter night air was harsh on his face but it helped calm him down slightly. He found a bench to sit on, and closed his eyes to try and calm himself down.

"You do realise we can't really do the play without you, right?" Changbin's voice was light-hearted and almost comforting to Jisung.

"What do you want?" Jisung knew his tone was ruder than he had intended but he didn't take it back. He saw Changbin's frown however as the boy took a seat next to him. "I wanted to wish you good luck."

Jisung couldn't help but smile at the cute words, especially as he glanced at Changbin's seemingly innocent eyes. "I thought you hated me." Jisung said, a small pout visable on his lips. He heard Changbin sigh.

"You're my best mate, Ji. I don't hate you. Look, I don't like you like that, but it doesn't excuse me being a dick, so I'm sorry." He offered a smile which Jisung shyly returned. He could hear Changbin hesitate before he began to speak up again. "You think I'm fit then?" Changbin wiggled his eyebrows, a playful smile on his his lips. 

Jisung rolled his eyes, laughing. "Shut up, idiot." The two boys smiled at each other before agreeing they needed to go. Jisung felt better. Changbin didn't hate him. Sure, he didn't like him back. But Jisung was willing to suppress his feelings if it meant finally being on good terms with his best friend again.

Whilst performing on stage, Jisung noticed Chan sat in the front row, a bandaged leg and arm, but a huge smile on his face. He'd been replaced for his lighting duty by some year 11nbut had still managed to turn up to enjoy the show. When the play ended, Chan screamed and clapped the loudest. Jisung turned around to look at Changbin, smiling. The other boy smiled back before walking forward and hugging Jisung.

They pulled apart and Jisung felt his heart feel at ease. The incident would finally be put behind them and he would return to normal with his friends.

He had never felt so relieved and so grateful.

They met up with Chan after the play, who was joined with Jeongin. "Guys, I'm so proud of you both." Chan said, pulling them into a group hug.  
They talked for a bit before Seungmin walked up and tapped on Jisung's shoulder, causing the boy to quickly spin around. "You've finally made up then?" He asks, gesturing to Changbin, whose eyes suddenly turn dark.

"You told him?"

Everyone turned to Changbin in confusion. Jisung almost forgot to reply due to his sudden alarm. "Yeah, about our argument, and how we got a bit riled up and probably too angry at each other."

Changbin visably relaxed. "Oh. I just thought you wouldn't want that to ruin you're nice image." Jisung pulled a face at Changbin's strange attempt at a recovery. Seungmin declared that he needed to leave and did so after saying goodbye to Jisung. "I'm a bit baffed." Chan said, glancing at Changbin. Jisung just shrugged, laughing slightly which seemed to be enough for Chan to just leave it. 

"I've got to go, my mum is picking me up in 5 minutes." And with that he left Changbin, Jisung and Jeongin alone. "We're all walking home right?" Jeongin asked. Unsurprisingly, Jisung's mum and Changbin's dad didn't come to watch the performance so the three had no rides home. They began their walk through the dimly lit streets towards their homes. Jeongin walked a few metres ahead, which allowed Jisung to talk to Changbin privately. 

"You're not going to tell anyone right?" Changbin said, panic present in his voice. Jisung instantly shook his head. "Obviously not. You won't say shit either though, right?" Jisung's sexuality was still a secret to the rest of the school, and he could do without everyone finding out and bullying him for both being gay and kissing his best mate. 

"Never. I promise." 

Jisung smiles and the two speed up a bit to catch up with Jeongin and continue their journey home.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> repeated events  
> and some exciting news

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if there's mistakes, i proofread it only briefly.

.   
It was the middle of another Tuesday night when Jisung's phone woke him up. Tired and disorientated, Jisung answered the call with the same confused, "hello?"

"Help."

Jisung sat up, feeling as if he was being deprived of his sleep so much recently because of a certain person. "Changbin, you need to stop help everytime. It freaks me out."

"Right, sorry. But I'm literally kind of far."

Jisung sighed. "How far?"

"Like an hour?"

Jisung hung up. He text Changbin to suck it up for the night, before putting his phone on silent and curling back up under his covers. Over the past two weeks, Changbin seemed to be stuck at a new girls house almost every other day. He kept ringing Jisung at ungodly hours, and Jisung wasn't sure why there had been such a sudden surge in the amount of girls he was sleeping with.

He sighed, rolling over. He was tired of the heart ache he felt everytime Changbin called during the night but was too scared to speak up, afraid he would cause another argument. He was too tired to analyse the situation and decided he would ask Chan the next day.

He woke up the next morning feeling tired and drained. He picked up his phone to see 4 missed calls and a string of angry texts from Changbin, followed by apologies. He yawned before dialling his friends number.

'You know what, I might start staying over more. She cooked me a proper nice breakfast. She also probably thinks I'm going back, but what can you do?'

'Okay, so you got out okay then?'

'Yeah. Sorry for getting pissed yesterday, I was just stressed. Turns out I had no reason to be.'

Jisung laughed. 'Okay, so I'll see you at school then?'

'See you there, Ji.'

Jisung ended the call, just as he heard his mum leave the house. He yelled out realising he had overslept. He quickly got changed before legging it down the road.

He got to school sweaty and short of breath. Changbin laughed upon seeing his red face. "This is not a good look." Jisung shoved him playfully before walking over to Chan. He was getting his cast signed by some girls. "Enjoying the attention are we?"

Chan laughed, "Yeah, except there's no bloody space left because of your big handwriting." Jisung just gave him a thumbs up before sitting down next to him. They had a few minutes before registration began, and Changbin needed to pee so left to go to the toilet.

"He called me again last night."

He heard Chan sigh. "Yeah, but hey don't be too harsh on him. It's Christmas time and honestly, he would do anything to spend less evenings at home with his dad."

Jisung frowned, "Why specifically Christmas?"

There was a moment of hesitation before Chan spoke again, his voice lower. "It's around the time his mum left. Sorry, I forget you've only been our friend for a few months. Feels like we've been mates forever."

Jisung just nodded, but it still didn't explain why Changbin kept calling him up in the middle of the night. He never called Chan. Ever. Jisung decided he would keep quiet though, at least until the Christmas period was over.

They spent their lunch that day talking about their plans for the Christmas holiday. "I kind of want to learn how to produce music? I don't know, it could be fun." 

Both his friends seem to agree with the idea. "That would be so cool to learn. I'm literally just working in Asda, like, the whole holiday though." Chan said, sighing dramatically.

"Hyunjin's having a new years eve party. We're all invited, he said to ask." Changbin said, excitement in his voice. Chan and Jisung looked at eachother, shrugged and then nodded. "Yeah, alright. I've never actually been to a new years eve party before." Jisung said, not even embarrassed. 

"Mate, you'll love it. They're wild and shit always happens. I'm like, so excited to spend end the year with us all pissed off our heads together." Changbin smiled as he talked, his excitement obvious. His friends mocked him for being sappy and they all laughed. 

\-----

It was 2.34 am on  a Thursday night when Jisung's phone woke him up, once again. Sleepy, annoyed but no longer confused, Jisung answered the call with a frustrated, 'what?'

'Jisung.'

Changbin's voice was oddly quiet, and Jisung could hear the boy sniffling through the phone. 'Changbin? What's wrong?' 

There was a long pause and Jisung began to panic that something had happened. 'I'm cold.'

'Wait what? Changbin where are you? What the fuck is going on?' Jisung's irritation only increased when he heard Changbin giggle and realised he was drunk. 

'On our bench.' 

As much as Jisung didn't feel like walking to the dodgy park near where they lived just to find Changbin, he told the boy that he would be about ten minutes and hung up the phone. He grabbed a coat for himself and one for Changbin and put on his shoes before quietly leaving his house. He started running towards the park but quickly ran out of energy and changed to power walking.

He got to 'their' bench in eight minutes. Jisung realised they hadn't been there together in such a long time. It was a secluded bench, hidden well by the surrounding trees. Jisung and Changbin learnt a lot about each other whilst sitting on the bench, and so declared it as their own. 

Jisung found Changbin half asleep, mumbling incoherent nonsense as he shivered slightly due to the freezing cold weather. 

"Come, you can sleep at mine." 

Changbin looked up and nodded, and they went back to Jisung's in silence. 

\------

The two boys managed to arrive on time for school the next day. Jisung hadn't bothered complaining so Changbin hadn't bothered apologising. 

"Guys, you look like shit first of all, what happened?" 

Jisung just shrugged, yawning. Changbin copied his yawn, before replying that it had been a long night. Chan just nodded before dragging them over to the corner of the room. They sat on the tables, but Chan remained standing. 

" Okay, so I'm literally so excited right now. My mum just told me that Felix is moving into ours for a while." 

Changbin seemed happy but Jisung was confused. "Who's Felix and why is he staying at your house?" 

"He's my cousin. My uncle is going to work abroad to try and make some more money because they're struggling a bit. So Felix has to stay with us." 

Jisung just nodded, kind of excited to make a new friend, but also slightly sad that their trio could get ruined. 

"Hey, you should tell Seungmin. They're like, so close. He'll be over the moon." Changbin said, and Jisung felt a sense of relief. 

"Uh, yeah, sure. I'll tell him later." 

Chan leaned forward, lowering his voice. "He's also gay, if you get what I mean." Chan wiggles his eyebrows and Jisung laughs, failing to noticed the falter in Changbin's smile. "Chan, I'm not automatically getting with him just because he's gay. He could be ugly, no offence." 

Chan scoffed, "We're related. Trust me, there is no way you'll think he's ugly." 

Jisung shoved his friend, standing up from the table as the bell for registration rang. "Chan, that leaves me with literally every reason to believe he's ugly." 

Jisung runs, hearing Chan's 'Oi!' and Changbin's loud laughter.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jisung feels like he's dreaming  
> and then suddenly in a nightmare.

Christmas had come and gone quicker than Jisung had imagined it would. The day had been awkward for him. His family had visited, his family who knew nothing of his sexuality, and his mum kept making petty comments which made Jisung uncomfortable. If his aunty asked when he was getting a girlfriend, his mum would reply with a 'I doubt he ever will' maybe even adding a 'he's quite the disappointment' for good measure.

Jisung had gone to see Chan and Changbin on boxing day, as it was the first day they were finally all available to meet. They ate subway and had a more than agressive snowball fight, which, although left Jisung's legs littered with light bruises, was alot of fun.

Jisung mentioned his mum being a bitch, and his friends were quick to make sure he wasn't too upset. Changbin at some point brought up that his dad had 'been at it again.' The sentence was vague but Changbin didn't seem to want to go into details, so Chan and Jisung didn't push him.

Chan felt bad that they'd had a shit Christmas day so invited them over to his to eat left overs and watch cheesy movies together. Jisung had never felt so at ease, comfortably squished in-between Chan and Changbin, hot chocolate in his hands, as they all laughed at some sappy movie.

At one point, Chan left the room to help his mum put out the wash. Jisung was still squished up against Changbin and felt no desire to move over. Changbin didn't seem to mind though as he yawned and laid his head onto Jisung's shoulder, speaking with a soft voice. 

"Sorry that you had a shit Christmas."

Jisung started playing with the loose thread on his sleeve, suddenly nervous and overly aware of how close Changbin was.

"I'm not. Yesterday was shit, but today has been amazing. I feel proper happy for the first time in ages."

Changbin began to play with Jisung's fingers, "Same. I'm glad you're happy."

They sat in a comfortable silence, Changbin's head on Jisung's shoulder, their hands now intertwined upon Jisung's lap. Jisung begged his hands weren't too clammy and that his heart wasn't beating too loud.

"So, I'm kind of in the mood to watch this film."  
Chan walked in and Changbin pulled away, not too quickly but fast enough for Jisung's heart to sink. Chan didn't seem to notice as he started banging on about how 'The Raid' was his favourite film of all time and how he would tie them down to watch it if he had to.

Jisung and Changbin just laughed and agreed to watch the film, moving on from what had happened as if it was just a dream.

\------

It was the 31st of December and Jisung was pissed. He was in his room, punching his pillow in a fit of anger due to his mum being a bitch to him once again. Jisung was frustrated. He'd had enough.

He stormed down to his kitchen where his mum was chopping some carrots. "Mum. We need to talk." He spoke calmly despite his desire to scream at her. She glanced up at him, a condescending look upon her face. "I'm busy."

"No, mum. We need to talk. This needs to stop."

His mum frowned, putting down her knife and wiping her hands on a teatowel. "What do you mean 'this'?"

Jisung took a deep breath, clenching his fists in an attempt to control his anger. "'This' is you constantly ignoring me, everyday. 'This' is you being horrible to me every time you talk to me. 'This' is you ruining Christmas to be petty and cruel."

"Jisung. Stop being dramatic, it's not my fault you're delusional."

Jisung took a step back. "What do you mean? How am I delusional?"

His mum took a step towards him. "I mean how you think you like boys and how you're still not out of this pathetic little phase even after 6 months. It needs to stop Jisung."

"Mum. This isn't a fucking phase. I'm gay. I always have been and I always will be."

"Don't you dare fucking say that. I did not raise you to say such disgusting things."

"It's not disgusting mum. I'm just gay. It's not a big deal."

"Yes it fucking is. Its disgusting and so are you. You're being immature and disappointing the whole family with your stupid little fantasies. I will not tolerate you being so fucking disgraceful in my house. You are not gay. I did not raise you to be so."

Jisung felt tears pricking the corners of his eyes. "Mum please. I'm still your son. Why does it matter if I like boys?"

"IT MATTERS BECAUSE IT'S WRONG. IT'S NOT NORMAL AND I REFUSE TO CALL YOU MY SON WHILST YOU SAY SUCH AWFUL THINGS."

His mum's screams made him flinch, the tears now filling up his eyes, blurring his vision.

"Stop crying. It's pathetic."

Jisung walked forward, trying to grab out to touch his mum but she shoved him to the side.

"You disgust me."

And with that she stormed out of the house, and Jisung could hear the car pull away. He sunk to the floor, sobbing and pulling at his own hair. His chest ached. His whole body ached.

The hours passed by and Jisung remained sat on the kitchen floor, hugging his knees as he leaned against the wall. His mum still hadn't returned. He felt so empty and so alone. He glanced up at the time to see it was 6.55 pm.

Hyunjin's party was starting in in 5 minutes. Jisung decided that he could do with getting drunk to free himself of his current sadness.

He stood up and made his way to his room, putting on some skinny jeans and covering his white t-shirt with a plain black hoodie. He made sure his hair didn't look too messy before heading downstairs. He put on a pair of white trainers, grabbing some house keys, before looking at himself in the mirror. His eyes were puffy, his cheeks still stained with tears. He sighed, quickly running to the sink to splash his face with water before finally heading out at 7.15.

The walk to Hyunjin's was long and only gave Jisung more time to reflect on what had happened. His mum hated him. She called him disgusting. He bit his lip, blinking back the tears in his eyes before taking a deep breath. He knew she was wrong, but he also knew that his crush on Changbin was definitely wrong. His whole body felt heavy with sadness, the cold weather only making him shrink into himself more. 

He eventually arrived around 7.45, the music playing loudly and the house packed with people. There were people in the front garden and the front door was left open. Jisung took a moment to prepare himself before entering the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if the cut off seems weird, it was originally longer but i ended up splitting it into two shorter chapters.
> 
> also sorry for making jisung sad:(


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jisung let's the alcohol take over him  
> changbin is there for him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a lil bit longer than usual but a lot happens so

A wave of heat hit his face as he entered the house. He gave a nod to Hyunjin, who replied with a thumbs up. 

Jisung scanned the crowd for his friends but couldn't see them anywhere. He decided he didn't mind as he wasn't there for them, but for the alcohol. He made his way over to the kitchen and grabbed himself a drink. He started off by sipping it slowly before downing the whole thing, earning him a few cheers. Jisung wasn't a lightweight, but once he was drunk, he was completely gone off his head.

He continued to drink, enjoying the buzz, as he talked to some people he knew. But still, his mum's words lingered in his mind. "Jisung! You made it."

Chan came up behind him. "You enjoying yourself?" He shouted above the loud music and Jisung nodded, asking where Changbin was. Chan gestured towards their friend who was leant up against a wall, quite obviously flirting with some girl in their year. "Didn't think she was his type." Jisung points out, before drinking some more. He felt jealous and that only reminded him of his mum's words once again. He was disgusting.

"I thought that too, but hey, you never know with Changbin. He'll go after anything with tits."

Jisung laughed, "So he'll be moving onto cows soon, will he?"

Chan laughed too, nodding. "Exactly." They both talked a little more before Chan announced he wanted to talk to some girl he knew. Jisung just nodded, going over to get another drink. His friends being able to openly hit on girls they liked while he had to suppress any attraction he had made him frustrated. He began to consider his mum's words, and for the first time in months began to believe she was right.

He sighed, picking up a strong drink and downing it in one, much to the surprise of the girl stood next to him. "Woah. You might want to slow down a bit."

Jisung picked up another drink, taking a gulp. His mind was beginning to fuzz and he knew that the alcohol was finally starting to take effect. "Don't fucking tell me what to do." He said, unaware of how aggressive he sounded. 

"What the fuck? Don't be a dick, I'm just trying to stop you from blacking out."

"Did you not fucking hear what I said?" He spoke rather loudly and a few heads turned his way, Changbin's included.

"Don't talk to me like that, you prick." The girl lifted her hand to slap him but Changbin caught her wrist. "I'll deal with him. Leave it." Jisung felt puke coming up and shoved Changbin out of the way to run outside. He vomited into a bin, the people around him complaining and moving away.

He could hear Chan and Changbin talking quietly beside him, one of their hands gently rubbing his back. "I'll take him home. You stay, I know Felix was meant to come later so just tell him I said hi."

"Only if you're sure." Chan said. Jisung turned to see Changbin nod and watched as Chan reluctantly left them alone. Jisung stood up straight, wiping his mouth. His head felt clearer and the memories of his mum came quickly flooding back. He knew he was going to cry, and as much a Changbin had seen him cry before, he wasn't willing to let the boy seem him so broken.

He pushed himself off the bin before quickly running out onto the street and down the road, Changbin shouting after him. He turned a corner before finally stopping, the tears streaming down his face. Changbin soon appeared from around the corner and clearly shocked to see Jisung so distraught.

"Ji? What's wrong? What happened?" Changbin edged closer to Jisung, aware that touching the boy could make him run away again. Jisung didn't reply only letting out a loud sob, his legs collapsing away beneath him. Changbin quickly caught him, pulling the boy close to him for a hug. Jisung clung on tightly, his tears soaking Changbin's shoulder. Changbin hugged him back, his arms wrapped tightly around his waist.

He gently rubbed his back, "It's okay. Just let it out."

Jisung did so, until finally his sobs turned into small sniffles. He pulled away from Changbin, refusing to meet his eyes as the boy still held onto his waist. However, their close proximity forced Jisung to eventually make eye contact.

"What happened?" Changbin's eyes were full of concern. Jisung took a deep breath to try and compose himself.

"My mum. She said I was disgusting. She hates me. Everyone hates me." He managed to finish his sentence before the tears restarted and Changbin pulled him back close to his chest. He held Jisung's head with his hand, "Nobody hates you."

"But without my mum, I'm all alone." Jisung's voice was quiet but audible to Changbin. Jisung pulled away and Changbin's hands lifted to hold his face. "You're not alone. You've got friends. You've got me."

Jisung stared into Changbin's eyes, his heart doing flips. He hugged his friend one final time before Changbin said he would take then both back to his house.

They walked together, talking about light-hearted topics. Jisung felt his aching heart begin to flutter instead. Changbin had such an ability to make him so happy. Jisung stopped walking, forcing Changbin to do the same.

"Why'd you stop?" Changbin asked, tilting his head cutely.

Jisung smiled. "Just...Can I scream?"

Changbin smiled and nodded. Over the past few months of knowing each other, they'd both developed an agreement that they could scream when they felt any emotion too strongly. Jisung yelled out, loudly and Changbin laughed.

"That was a happy scream. Do you feel better?"

Jisung nodded before beginning to run down the road, yelling out that it was a race. Changbin laughed, complaining as he raced to catch up. 

\------

Changbin had told Jisung to shower, and given him some spare clothes to change into when he was done. Jisung put on the grey sweatpants and white t-shirt, looking at himself in the mirror. He felt happier and that was clear in his face. His eyes were still slightly puffy from his tears, but they held happiness behind them. Jisung felt safe with Changbin, almost as if nothing his mum said even mattered.

He left the bathroom, walking back into Changbin's room, still drying his wet hair with a towel. He stopped fully in his tracks as he entered though, trying to not gape at his now shirtless friend sat so temptingly on the bed. 

Jisung had spent many P.E lessons staring at Changbin and his arms, but the way the boy sat so comfortably, a pair of black sweatpants on his legs and with absolutely nothing covering his chest, made Jisung nervois. His arms, too, made Jisung gulp and he hoped he wasn't blushing. 

"Are you sitting down or what?" 

Jisung shuffled forward before sitting next to Changbin on his bed. They sat in a tense silence for a few moments before Changbin spoke. 

"I'm really happy you're my friend. I feel like I can trust you so much. Don't get me wrong, I trust Chan too. But there's just something different with you. You make me feel-" 

He was cut off by Jisung's small giggle. Changbin turned to him, confused, "Why are you laughing?" 

Jisung couldn't stop. He found the situation so absurd that he just couldn't stop laughing. He stood up but Changbin did too, grabbing his wrist and spinning him around so they face each other. 

"Mate. I'm trying to be open with you here, why the fuck are you laughing?" Changbin was clearly annoyed but Jisung still smiled. 

"I don't know. This just seems weird. Like, what is even happening right now?" 

Changbin frowned. "Jesus, Jisung. You really know how to ruin a mood." 

Jisung laughed again, "What mood? There was literally no mood." Though as Jisung spoke, he realised there was one now. His heart stopped as he realised Changbin was staring at his lips. He yanked his wrist out of Changbin's grip. "Is t-there something on my, um, my-, um, f-face?" 

Changbin's eyes snapped back up and he blushed, "What?" 

Jisung was more than confused but also suddenly excited. This meant something. He went back to sitting down on Changbin's bed and the boy joined him, not so subtly staring at Jisung's lips once again. 

"Seriously? Just take a picture." 

Changbin didn't reply and instead shifted his position so he was now sat on Jisung's lap. "Fuck, your lips are so pretty."

Jisung sat stunned, trying not to glance at Changbin's lips which were now directly in front of him. "Changbin, are you drunk?"

Changbin laughed. "Trust me, if I was drunk I would've already kissed you by now."

Jisung once again didn't know how to respond, and Changbin climbed off his lap, stretching out as he yawned. "Kiss me now, then?" Jisung's words came out as a nervous whisper and Changbin couldn't make out what he said, letting out a tired "What?" 

Jisung sat for a moment, contemplating what he was about to do before he just gave up with thinking. He moves forward, lifting him self up onto Changbins lap. The boy instantly wrapped his arms around Jisung's waist and looked at him with innocent eyes.

"I said, kiss me now then?" Jisung spoke with confidence, shocked at himself but also proud.

Changbin didn't even reply and just leaned forward, their lips joining together in a passionate kiss. It was desperate and hungry, hands grabbing at each others hair. No words could describe how Jisung felt in that moment, and as they broke apart he was left breathless. Changbin wasted no time in leaning in again, this time much more softly. Jisung had never felt so wanted.

Changbin tightened his grip on his waist before leaning down to attach his lips to Jisung's neck. Jisung felt like he was in heaven. He felt like he was dreaming. Their shirts were quickly discarded and at some point Jisung accidentally let his hand slip down to Changbin's waistband, causing the boy to suddenly pull away. "Don't."

Jisung frowned, "Oh."

Changbin sighed, squeezing his eyes shut and then reopening them. "Trust me, Jisung. I wish I could. I want you so fucking bad. Like, fuck, I want you. But we can't."

Jisung tilted his head in confusion. "Why not?"

"I don't want this to be just another meaningless hookup. You're sad and I can't take advantage of that."

Jisung shook his head, "You're not taking advantage. I want this too."

Changbin just shook his head. "We can't Jisung. Just, trust me, okay?"

Jisung understood Changbin's point and just nodded. "Can I kiss you again?" Jisung whined, a pout on his lips. Changbin nodded and within seconds they were kissing again, reality forgotten easily in the heat of the moment.

They eventually ran out of energy, lips swollen and necks painted with colour. It was late so they both agreed to finally sleep. Jisung curled up against Changbin, an arm secured around his waist as they both fell into a deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if there were grammar mistakes i proofread this really quickly so


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the day after, full of smiles  
> and new friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a really short chapter and nothing really happens but i needed to fully introduce felix and figured some fluff was needed before it all goes to shit

Jisung woke up, at first completely unaware of where he was. He willed himself to wake up more, and as he did so, he realised he was lying in bed next to Changbin. He looked peaceful, his hair messy and his lips parted, tempting Jisung to kiss them. The memories of the day before returned to him, at first filling him with warmth, and then all too quickly being replaced with fear. Changbin would hate him.

Jisung pulled away, subsequently waking Changbin with his sudden movement. The boy took a moment to become aware of his surroundings. Jisung froze, terrified out of his mind about what the boy would say when he realised what he'd done.

"Morning, Ji." Changbin said, a cute smile appearing on his lips. Jisung made a noise indicating his surprise. "What?" Changbin asked, his voice still raspy.

Jisung didn't reply, and instead admired how the glow from the sun lit up Changbin's skin, his eyes reflecting the light like art. "Damn, Jisung. You can kiss me again if you want to that bad." Changbin said as he sat up. Jisung sat up too and without hesitation, leaned forward and kissed Changbin. It was short but Jisung felt the fireworks explode inside him. Changbin kissing him back made Jisung smile, happy to know that his friend hadn't just been drunk.

"You know Felix was going to come to Hyunjin's yesterday?"

Jisung made an 'o' shape with his mouth, shaking his head. Changbin called him cute before standing up and pulling Jisung out of bed. "Let's go see him today then."

The two got dressed, laughing and smiling, still enjoying each others presence. When they finally left the house, Changbin text Chan to let them know they were coming.

The walk to Chan's wasn't long but Jisung enjoyed the journey while it lasted. The sun was shining and Jisung wasn't sure if his good mood was due to the weather or Changbin's bright smile and adorable laugh.

Jisung begun to get nervous as they got closer to their destination. Changbin seemed to sense this and grabbed his hand, rubbing his thumb soothingly across the back of it. "You guys will get on great. I can feel it."

Jisung nodded, grateful for the reassurance. He wasn't the biggest fan of meeting new people, especially when all his friends already knew them and he didn't. He hated the feeling of inferiority.

Changbin let go of his hand to knock on the door, and within only a few seconds the door swung open to reveal Chan. "Jisung. You're looking so much better. You okay now?" Jisung could tell Chan genuinely cared. He nodded, giving a big gummy smile to show off his happiness. His friends laughed, before Chan ushered them inside his house.

"Just go up to my room. Felix is up there. I'll get you guys some water."

Changbin went first and Jisung followed behind, his hand dragging across the familiar banister. He realised it had been a while since he had been to Chan's house. "Felix!" Jisung saw Changbin rush ino the room and awkwardly shuffled in behind him. After the two boys had finished hugging, Jisung finally saw Felix, freckled skin and fluffy hair. He looked cute.

"Hey. I'm Jisung." He gave an awkward wave.

Felix laughed, "I figured. You're exactly how Chan described you to look."

Jisung didn't know whether that was a good or bad thing, but he didn't really care. Changbin started to talk to Felix, and Jisung just continued to stand awkwardly in the corner. Chan eventually came through the door, shoving Jisung forward so he was forced to join Felix and Changbin sitting on Chan's bed. "Jisung, stop being awkward." Chan whispered into his ear.

Jisung pouted. "How do you know I'm being awkward? You just got here."

Chan raised his eyebrows, "You literally look so tense. Calm yourself."

Jisung continued to pout as Chan joined the conversation, leaving him to just sit in silence. "Ji. Stop pouting." Changbin said, and all three heads immediately turned to face him. Felix was smiling, not mockingly but in a comforting way.

"Make me." Jisung said, only realising what his words implied after he'd said them. Felix and Chan burst out laughing, unaware that Changbin was blushing. "Jisung, please."

Jisung just nodded, muttering a small apology before he stopped pouting. As awkward as the moment had been, it seemed to be the ice breaker between him and Felix, who began to talk as if they'd been friends for life.

Hours passed by and Jisung had made a new friend in Felix. "We should probably go home now. We've been here hours." Changbin said, getting up and stretching. Jisung nodded, joining Changbin as he stood by the door. "Bye guys. See you on Wednesday?"

Jisung pulled a face, knowing that Wednesday meant they were back at school. Felix and Chan nodded. "See you then." They waved before Jisung and Changbin went downstairs and let themselves out.

"He's nice right?"

Jisung nodded, "Yeah, he's really funny. I don't know what I was afraid of?"

Changbin laughed, "Told you so."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if there was grammar mistakes or typos i was too tried to proofread it woops


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jisung has a painful realisation  
> and an emotional confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof i proofread it but dont hate me if there's a few mistakes im ill lmaoo

It was the day before the new term of school began. Jisung had spent the past couple of days catching up on homework and revision, and so hadn't been able to see Changbin at all. The boy was constantly on his mind though, leaving Jisung to easily get distracted from his work. But he had finally completed all his work and was left with nothing to do for the first time in a few days.

Jisung spent the morning watching TV, hardly even moving from his spot on the sofa. The morning dragged through to the afternoon and it wasn't until 4pm that Jisung finally switched off the TV. His mum was due home in an hour or so, and he didn't feel like being there when she arrived. Without a second thought, he decided he would go to Changbin's.

Jisung ran up the stairs, getting changed quickly but still making sure he looked good. He saw himself in the mirror and was proud to say he didn't look half bad. Within 20 minutes, Jisung had left his house and was practically skipping along the street as he made his way to Changbin's.

He missed him and considering everything that happened between them, he hoped Changbin missed him too. Jisung's heart was fluttering in excitement, a wide smile upon his face as he gradually got closer to Changbin's house.

Upon arriving, Jisung wasted no time in running up to knock on the door. He stood patiently, despite the amount of time making him fear that Changbin wasn't home. But just as he was about to leave, the door opened slightly, Changbin's head poking out. Jisung smiled at him, reaching for the door to open it more but Changbin resisted. "Jisung. Why are you here? Has something happened?"

Jiisng frowned, "What? No, just let me in. I've missed you."

Just as the words came out of his mouth, the door was opened more widely, revealing a girl that Jisung recognised to be the one Changbin had been flirting with at Hyunjin's party. She had only Changbin's t-shirt on, her bare thighs exposed, her neck covered in fresh bruises. Jiisng stared, reality sinking in as he glanced to Changbin and realised the boy was wearing nothing more than a pair of underwear. "O- Oh. I d-didn't, um, realise. I- I'll go." Jisung stuttered, a sudden wave of sadness washing over him. 

He spun around and quickly ran away from Changbin's house, ignoring how the boy yelled after him. 

He didn't stop running until he was safely curled up under his bed covers, the tears finally falling down his face. Changbin hadn't missed him. Changbin probably hadn't even thought about him at all. Jisung didn't know what to feel. He was angry. He was hurt. He felt used and worthless. 

Jisung continued to cry until late at night, his body aching, his head screaming in agony, his pillow soaked in tears. He looked at his clock to see it was 1.09 am. It was silent. Jisung's mum had never come to check on him, despite his obvious cries. Jisung wanted to cry again but he felt too drained of tears. 

He just laid in a suffocating silence, thinking, reflecting, hurting. He tried to sleep, but eventually gave up and settled with just laying still. 

It was 5am when he finally decided he couldn't bear to lie down for any longer. Jisung dragged himself out of bed, splashing his face with cold water to try and bring some life into his eyes. He put his uniform on, before quietly leaving the house. 

The air was refreshing. An icy breeze that forced Jisung to clear his mind. He walked aimlessly, thinking about how he felt. 

Changbin had wanted him, had said he wasn't just another meaningless hookup. Changbin had kissed him, at morning and at night, and left marks on his necks which now seemed to burn on Jisung's skin. He was confused and frustrated. 

Why had Changbin lied? Why wasn't Jisung good enough for him? Why would Changbin lead him on when he knew how Jisung felt towards him? 

Jisung walked for around 2 hours, talking and arguing within his own mind, debating about how he should feel. But despite the long hours of thinking with a clear mind, Jisung was still unsure as to why Changbin had even bothered kissing him in the first place if it meant nothing. 

When it finally hit 7.50, Jisung began to make his way to school. He felt almost betrayed, and so angry that his sadness was easily hidden from his eyes. He arrived to school early and found Seungmin sitting alone outside on a picnic bench, reading a book and listening to music. Jisung waved and quickly went over to him, seating himself opposite. 

Seungmin pulled out his earphones before waving back. "Hey. Why are you here so early?" 

Jisung shrugged, "Just... I had a lot on my mind. I couldn't really sleep." 

Seungmin seemed to put two and two together almost instantly. "Did you fight with Changbin again?" Jisung just nodded, before quickly changing the topic to ask about what book Seungmin was reading. 

As the minutes passed by, more students began to flood into the school, one of whom being Changbin, his brother close behind him. Seungmin noticed Jisung glaring at them. 

"Hey Jisung? You can trust me you know. Like, I want to help you if you let me." 

Jisung sat for a moment, considering his options. "Fuck it." He whispered to himself, but just as he was about to explain, Felix joined the table. "Seungmin! You gotta look out for me, why weren't you replying to my texts?" He said, not yet acknowledging Jisung's existence. Seungmin gestured towards him though and Felix immediately apologised. 

"Shit. I didn't even recognise you. Sorry, you just look kind of rough, and I guess I remember your smile the most. Are you good?"

Jisung sat, once again considering his words. He checked the time on his phone, seeing there was 10 minutes until registration. He figured he needed someone to give him advice on Changbin. 

"I'm gay."

Felix and Seungmin at first looked taken aback, but both of them simultaneously relaxed, reassuring Jisung they had no problem with it.

"Was Changbin homophobic to you or something?" 

Seungmin asked bluntly, clearly confusing Felix as to why Changbin was involved. "Wait, what happened with Changbin?" 

Seungmin quickly explained that they'd fought recently, for the second time in only a few weeks. Jisung had at first questioned why he was telling Felix, considering they hardly knew each other. But Jisung knew he could trust him. Seungmin finished explaining and Felix seemed to get the idea so just nodded. "Okay so, was he? Homophobic, I mean?" Felix seemed on edge, almost like it it were true he would cry. 

Jisung shook his head, almost bursting out into laughter. "Actually, kind of the opposite." Naturally his words confused Felix and Seungmin. Jisung made them swear secrecy, and they did so, becoming more concerned and more confused as to what Changbin had done. 

"Okay so, we kissed." 

Their jaws dropped in disbelief. "You kissed Changbin? As in the most heterosexual guy there is in this school?" Seungmin was evidently shocked. 

Felix however got over his surprise quickly, more desperate to know what went wrong. "Okay so when? Where?" 

"Okay, so the first time-" 

Seungmin cut him off, "First?! So you've kissed him more than once?"

Jisung nodded, continuing his explanation. "First was before the final game, in the changing rooms, which clearly he didn't take too well considering he ended up nearly killing Chan. Second was after Hyunjin's party. I was sad and he took me round to his, and well... stuff just happened." 

Seungmin still looked to be in shock. "Stuff? Did you...?" 

Jisung violently shook his head. "No. We just made out. For ages. But he didn't want to have sex because he 'didn't want me to be another one of his meaningless hookups', which I believed, until I went round his yesterday and he'd already gotten with another girl."

Felix got up to hug Jisung, Seungmin doing the same. Jisung hadn't realised he'd started crying until Felix wiped away his tears. "I'm probably being stupid, but I really thought that he actually liked me back. I'm so fucking stupid." 

Felix and Seungmin sat him back down. "Jisung, don't feel stupid. He fucking used you. Sure, not for sex, but he had no right to play with your feelings like that. He knew you liked him and he knew what it would mean to you. He's a fucking dick." Seungmin was angry, his fist clenched by his side.

"Hey, look, I don't even know you that well, and I've know Changbin for quite a while, but that's fucked up. He's hurt you. He fucking lead you on and just used you for a bit of fun. It's disgusting. You deserve better."

Jisung thanked Felix for his words, just as the school bell rang. He sighed, knowing he would have to face Changbin soon.

Seungmin and Felix stood protectively by his side as they walked into class. "Sorry for ruining your first day. You hardly even know me, I shouldn't have burdened you like this." Jisung says, guilt looming over him.

"I'm sure Chan told you I'm gay, right? Look, I know how hard it is to be alone with stuff like this and I'm honestly so glad you felt you could trust me. And to be honest, who cares if we hardly know each other yet, I'm sure we'll be best friends soon." Felix gave a sweet smile which Jisung returned.

Instead of sitting in his usual seat next to Changbin, Jisung sat next to Felix and Seungmin. He didn't even bother glancing over to his friend, scared he would cry if he did so. He felt bad that Chan was being ignored too, but he refused to risk seeing Changbin just to wave at Chan.

The first 2 periods of school went by smoothly, with Jisung successfully avoiding any contact with Changbin. The bell rang for break and Jisung made his way out side, sitting on the same picnic table with Seungmin and Felix. However, not long after he sat down, Felix warned him that Changbin was walking over to him.

"We'll go. You two need to talk." Seungmin said and both of them got up and left. Jisung refused to turn around, his hands already going clammy. Changbin sat opposite him with a small "Hey."

Jisung didn't respond. He didn't even look Changbin in the eye. "Jisung, we need to talk about what happened." Changbin said, but Jisung still didn't reply.

"What happened that night... It was a mistake."

Jisung scoffed, standing up and beginning to walk away. He refused to listen to Changbin continuously blame him. Changbin caught his wrist however, yanking the boy back so they stood opposite each other.

"Jisung, dont be childish. It's the truth, okay? It was a mistake."

"A mistake? It didn't seem that way the next morning. You were fine with it then, what the fuck happened?"

"Jisung, stop looking too deep into this. It meant nothing. It was just a meaningless hookup. I have them all the time."

Jisung felt the anger spreading through his body. "You said it wasn't. You said it was different."

"Different because I didn't want to fuck you because you're my mate, not some girl I actually fancy." Changbin showed no signs of guilt and Jisung hated it.

"But you said you wanted me."

"In the moment, sure. But I'm not gay, Jisung. I don't even know what came over me, alright? I was probably just tired."

Jisung laughed, the sound bitter and harsh. "Changbin. You knew how I felt. You know I'm gay. You don't say shit like that if you're straight."

Changbin was getting frustrated, Jisung could tell. He didn't care. "Jisung I'm not fucking gay, alright? Just face it, it didn't mean the same to me as it did to you."

Jisung shook his head, "Fuck you, I can't even be bothered." He turned to walk away once again, unable to listen to Changbin lie about what he felt that night any longer, but Changbin ran to be in front of him, forcing him to stop walking. "Jisung. Stop being such a child. I'm trying to tell you how I feel."

Jisung could feel the tears begin to swell in his eyes. "I thought I knew how you felt, Changbin." He spoke quietly, looking up to the sky to prevent the tears in his eyes from falling. "And I thought you knew too." Jisung finished, before walking away, the tears finally spilling down his cheeks.

He hated himself, for thinking Changbin could ever like him. He hated himself for thinking Changbin would do anything but deny any feelings he felt that night. 

He hated himself for falling in love with such an egotistical, selfish coward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my updates may be a bit off for the next few days bc im ill and then it's christmas but hopefully it should stay the same
> 
> sorry for making jisung all sad again:(


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jisung is unbearably sad  
> and it seems to be contagious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow ok so i was gone for a while but i went on holiday for christmas and honestly just couldn't be bothered to write so sorry for that
> 
> i also kind of want to write a holiday romance au now so that maybe be coming soon but imma try to prioritise this first so it can finish.

Jisung felt sad. So overwhelmingly sad that he had no tears left to cry, and instead his stomach just felt empty, his heart aching. He had gone home early, getting straight into bed. He felt so tired and weak but everytime he shut his eyes to sleep, he saw Changbin. A face that used to make him smile now suddenly taunting him, reminding him that he was stupid to believe anyone could truly like him.

Jisung felt as if the sadness was an emotion he would never escape. 

His mum phoned him at one point, screaming down the phone, angry that he'd skipped school. He hadn't had the energy to argue so just apologised before hanging up. Seungmin also text, concerned about his wellbeing. He had replied with a simple 'I'm okay. I went home.', before putting his phone on silent. 

He felt like shit. Pure, utter shit. He'd never fallen so hard for someone. He'd never felt so used by someone he trusted. He'd never had his heart so brutally crushed. It fucking hurt. Every single inch of his body hurt. Every time he tried to speak, a sob came out in its place. 

But as much as Jisung was annoyed at Changbin, he yet again began to find ways to blame himself. Telling himself that he shouldn't have jumped to conclusions, that he shouldn't have believed he would ever be anyone important to Changbin. He told himself, repeatedly, how stupid he was for believing a straight boy could actually like him the way Changbin had said he did. 

But truly, what hurt Jiisng the most was how he knew he had lost Changbin as a friend for good. It would be too awkward, too painful if they remained friends, if Changbin even bothered to talk to him again. He had no reason to. Jisung sobbed. No tears fell but the pain was clear in his quiet whimpers. 

He was exhausted. Tired out of his mind from crying and feeling sad. Jisung let his eyes shut, finally falling into a deep slumber. Even the sound of his mum screaming at him as she entered the house didn't succeed to trouble his sleep. 

He just slept. A temporary peace from the suffocating feeling of rejection and heartbreak. 

\-----

The next morning Jisung woke up with tired eyes and a banging headache. His limbs felt heavy, his heart numb. As much as he wanted to skip school, he knew his mum would go mad and he preferred not to get into a huge argument with her so early in the morning. Jisung willed himself out of bed, brushing his teeth and changing before leaving the house, deciding he wasn't in the mood for breakfast. The air was crisp and Jisung could feel the cold biting his face. 

He regretted not bringing a scarf but hadn't the energy to go back home to get one. He looked at his phone as he walked, swiping through the streams of messages from Seungmin, Chan and his mum. He ignored the stabbing feeling in his heart as he realised Changbin hadn't text. Why would he? 

Jiisng furiously blinked away the tears that lingered in his eyes and decided to call Chan. The phone rang for a few minutes and Jisung began to feel stupid for expecting an answer so early in the morning. But Chan picked up. 

"Hey, Ji. What happened to you yesterday? You kind of just, disappeared. And you seemed a bit mad at me and Changbin. Did I do something?" 

Jisung sighed. "No, you're all good, Chan. It's just Changbin. I'm not sure I really want to even seem him right now."

"Oh." Chan paused, confused and taken aback. "Is it that bad?" 

"Kind of, yeah. I just... I fucking hate him right now if I'm being completely honest with you, and I just feel bad that you're in the middle of it now." Jisung said, slowing down his pace so he didn't get to school too early. 

"Hate is a really strong word, Jisung. And I still don't know what 'it' is. You aren't telling me anything, Ji." 

"I can't tell you. I'm sorry. And I know hate is probably too strong but honestly? Right now I do hate him. So fucking much."

Chan didn't speak for a moment, and Jisung almost feared his friend had hung up.  "Okay. I'll see you at school and we'll talk more, yeah? I don't want some silly argument to ruin your friendship. Or ours."

The call ended and Jisung almost got mad at how Chan had called the argument silly. But he reminded himself that Chan had no idea about what was going on. Jisung felt bad. His friend was stuck in the middle, confused and almost being forced to pick sides. Jisung hated that he was the one who'd helped to put Chan in such a situation. 

He sighed, looking up from his phone to realise he was nearly at school. There was a nauseating feeling that began to bubble away in his stomach. The idea of seeing Changbin made him feel sick to the core. Jisung felt so embarrassed. He felt so ashamed. 

Everytime he re-lived the events in his mind, they got worse. Jisung entered the school, the determination to avoid Changbin clear in his mind. There was only a few students milling around as Jisung was a bit early, one of whom was Felix. 

"Morning!" Felix's bright happy voice only brought Jisung more sadness. He wished he could stop feeling sad. He quietly mumbled a 'morning' back.  
Felix seemed to pick up on Jisung's mood straight away. 

"I'm guessing things didn't go to well with Changbin?" 

Jisung just have him a look, which made Felix frown. "Was it really bad?" The question was asked with the utmost care and concern and for some reason Jisung couldn't find it in himself to contain his emotions any longer. He burst into tears, Felix instantly pulling him into a hug and rubbing his back. 

After a few minutes, the hug was finally broken. Jisung frowned at the wet patch on Felix's coat. "Sorry. I ruined your coat. And got too emotional, shit. Sorry." 

Felix just smiled. "Hey, dont be sorry. I'm here to help. Figured if we're going to be friends, I might aswell start acting like one now." 

Jisung smiled back but didn't have the chance to reply as Chan was suddenly in front of him. "Okay. Talk time." He was out of breath, red and sweaty. Jisung almost felt as if he could laugh. 

"Chan. Let the boy breathe. He's sad. He doesn't need you on his case." Felix said, surprising both Chan and Jisung. 

"Felix. I love you and all but seriously who the fuck even are you? Jisung's my best mate, so if you don't mind just fuck off" 

Felix pulled a face before walking away in a strop. Jisung saw Chan roll his eyes, muttering under his breath that Felix was too dramatic. "I didn't mean to be rude but, well, you're my mate. Not his."

"I am his mate though." 

Chan stood still for a moment. "Okay, that's great and all but that also makes me think that you're going to stop hanging out with me and Changbin just because of this fucking argument which nobody is telling me anything about."

Jisung was taken aback by Chan's sudden outburst of frustration. "I'll still hang out with you. Just, not when Changbin is there. Not for now anyway." 

Jisung saw the anger in Chan's eyes. "Jisung are you fucking kidding me? You're basically asking me to pick between you and him. This is fucking ridiculous. What have I even done to you?" 

"You haven't done anything. I never said you did. I'm still your friend Chan. I just don't want to hang out with you if you're with Changbin. It's not my fault that you're always with him." Jisung hadn't meant to sound so rude but he couldn't even apologise before Chan spoke up again. 

"For fucks sake, Jisung. You clearly don't value our friendship that much then do you? You won't tell me what's really going on. You don't want to hang out with me anymore. Literally, just fuck you. Why dont any of you ever think about me? I'm always just the extra to you. Fuck this."

Chan walked away with obvious tears in his eyes and Jisung felt the guilt spreading throughout his body. He knew Chan was right. He was pushing him out for no reason other than him being friends with Changbin. He felt awful, so much so that he just wanted to run home and hide in the safety of his bed. But he knew he couldn't do that. 

He wiped away his tears and made his way to registration. As soon as he entered the class, he could feel the gloomy atmosphere radiating off of Chan. He tried to make eye contact with the boy but was returned with nothing. Walking to his seat, he refused to even glance in Changbin's direction and just sat down next to Felix and Seungmin. 

"What's up with Chan?" Seungmin asked. 

Jisung went to speak but Felix interrupted his words. "He's being a dick." 

Jisung frowned. "No. He's really not. I've upset him. Like, I've been such a shit friend and I guess he's finally done with it all." 

Felix's mouth formed an 'o' shape and Seungmin just looked surprised. "B-But you guys... you guys are, like, such a tight group of friends. How d-did it all get so bad so f-fast?" Seungmin spoke with hesitation and Jisung just shrugged, putting his head on the desk and quietly crying into his sleeve as he thought about Seungmin's words and realised how fucked up the whole situation really was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also sorry its kind of short (idek if it is but i feel bad for not updating and i feel like this doesn't really make up for it lmao) and that's its just sad lmao


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jisung is worried for changbin  
> and has strange feelings for a friend

It had been around a week. Seven days of mixed emotions for Jisung. On one hand, it was a decent week. Seungmin had grown to become one of his closest friends, and Felix even closer. He trusted them and felt at ease when he spent time with them. Felix in particular somehow always made him feel happy everytime he felt down. However, on the other hand, the week had been terrible. Jisung hadn't spoken to Chan or Changbin at all. They constantly seemed to be together, in class and during lunch. Jisung felt weird, watching his friends from the outside, knowing he had previously belonged with them. But Chan and Changbin clearly weren't the same. Chan seemed to constantly be frowning and Changbin was going off the rails.

"He keeps getting drunk and is basically having one night stands every night. Chan said not to tell you but, I figured you deserved to know." Felix had told him one lunchtime. He hadn't needed to though. Word spread quickly throughout the school. Jisung could hear people talking, laughing and shaming Changbin for his actions.

He noticed it in class too, even if he pretended not to. Little comments from their classmates which caused Changbin to sit with a constant frown. His eyes were shiny, distant looking. Jisung wanted nothing more to go over and give him a hug yet at the same time he couldn't find it in himself at all to care about how Changbin felt. Jisung was confused and frustrated. He just wished everything would go back to normal.

It was a Thursday, the bright sun still having no effects on the cold winter breeze. Jisung was sitting outside with Felix and Seungmin, listening to them talk about something unimportant and slightly boring. Jisung was too distracted to complain though, his eyes focused on two boys on the opposite side of the playground. They sat in silence, hardly even moving.

"Fuck. I really should talk to them." Jisung said, cutting off Seumgin's sentence. His two friends turned to where he was looking to see Chan and Changbin.

"No-one is stopping you." Seungmin said with a slight shrug.

Felix grabbed his hand, squeezing it. Jisung glanced down at the contact and smiled. "Look. If I'm being honest, I really do think you need to talk to Chan. Changbin too, eventually. But right now, I don't see any reason for you not to sort things out with Chan."

Jisung just sighed, resting his cheek on his palm. "It's just hard."

"Only because you're over thinking it."

Jisung didn't respond to Seungmin but considered his words. Maybe he was over thinking it. He only needed to go over to Chan and apologise. But he just couldn't do it. Not only did Chan seem to always be with Changbin, but Jisung also felt shaky and sick whenever he thought he'd finally built up the courage. He hated himself for being so cowardly. 

The next day and the weekend passed by quickly, leading on to the second week of no talking. Jisung was starting to grow restless. He was sick of feeling off and lonely, despite having Felix and Seungmin constantly by his side. So, as a result, he spent the whole Monday morning planning out what he would say to Chan. He was determined to speak to him and would try everything in his power to finally have a conversation.

He didn't have to try very hard though, as Chan turned up on his doorstep, asking if they could walk to school together. Jisung didn't hesitate to agree and together they walked down the road. The silence that hung around them was quickly broken by Chan.

"I shouldn't have got mad at you. Don't get me wrong, I was pissed off but I feel like I unintentionally just ended up siding with Changbin, even though I don't want to side with anyone."

Jisung shook his head, "God, no. I'm sorry for treating you like shit. I pushed you away and made you feel unimportant and I'm so sorry."

"Shit, Jisung. I just really miss you. I want my friend back. I feel so fucking alone right now."

Jisung hated to see Chan so sad. "I mean, at least you had Changbin, right?"

Chan scoffed. "Physically, maybe. But he's not okay. He's a fucking mess, Ji. He keeps going out, getting drunk, getting high, having sex. And now Jeongin has stopped talking to him and his dad has started fucking hitting him again. God, Jisung. I just feel so useless. He's destroying himself."

Jisung felt sick. Was he the cause? He reminded himself of his insignificance to Changbin. "I don't know what to say." He said honestly, because he truly was speechless.

"Just talk to him. I'll be there. I promise, I'll be there to help but I need you, Jisung. Just, tell him to stop being such an idiot."

Jisung hated that he knew he couldn't do what Chan wanted. He felt the tears forming in his eyes. "I wish I could, Chan. But, it just hurts too much."

Chan sighed, hanging his head. "I knew you would say that. But please, Jisung. I'm begging you to just find it somewhere in yourself to stop hating him and let him know. I don't even know if this is because of your argument but anything at this point is good."

Chan gave Jisung a light hug before running off towards the school entrance. Jisung watched as he walked away with his head hanging. His heart ached. He was hurting Chan. He didn't even hate Changbin. He physically couldn't. He loved the boy so much. Changbin had used him. He had messed around with his feelings and still hadn't apologised. But Jisung loved him.

And everytime he saw Changbin, that feeling of longing returned to his heart. He didn't hate Changbin, only himself for being so weak. Jisung groaned in frustration, fully aware that he would have to find a way to grow enough confidence to talk to Changbin again.

"Hey, Ji. You alright?" Jisung unintentionally flinched at the way Felix used his nickname. It felt wrong, but Jisung decided not to say anything. He nodded in response to the question, giving Felix a small, forced smile.

"Okay but didn't Chan talk to you this morning? He said he had a lot on his mind."

Somehow, Jisung kept forgetting that Felix and Chan were both cousins and currently living in the same house. He sighed. "Yeah, he did. He basically said that he misses me and that he wants my help to try and stop Changbin ruining his life."

Felix frowned, "But Changbin hurt you. You shouldn't have to help him."

"Yeah but I still love him more than anything and he's still my best mate. I can't just let him destroy himself."

Jisung noticed Felix's pout and sad eyes, his little 'oh'. Was he jealous? Jisung had never imagined Felix liking him but it seemed like he had ignored all the signals. He brushed it off, telling himself to pay more attention to Felix to see if his idea was right before saying anything.

Throughout the day, Jisung couldn't stop wondering if Felix actually liked him. He noticed that Felix held eye contact for longer than Seungmin ever did. He realised that a small blush formed on his cheeks everytime they touched hands. He could sometimes feel Felix's eyes on him and everytime he looked up, he would catch Felix quickly looking away. Jisung was unsure of what to do with such information.

Did he like Felix back? He was sure he didn't, because his heart still longed for Changbin. But with Changbin basically reinforcing his straightness by having too many one night stands, Jisung also knew that loving Changbin was a hopeless road. Felix, however, was definitely gay and might actually like him back. Felix wouldn't use him or play with his feelings. Felix wouldn't blame him if he'd done nothing wrong. Jisung hated himself for the sudden need to compare.

Confused and unsure of what to do, Jisung pushed the thought to the back of his mind and continued as if nothing had ever happened.

Except it had. Jisung was unintentionally beginning to take more notice of Felix. He realised he had pretty freckles sprinkled across his cheeks like stars and that his smile was genuinely beautiful and warmed Jisung's heart as if Felix were the sun.

Felix was beautiful and Jisung felt as if he were more his type than Changbin ever was. The sudden reminder of Changbin forced Jisung to glance in his direction. Except he wasn't in his seat. Next to Chan was an empty space and Jisung couldn't help the concern that started to flow within him. He grabbed his phone out of his pocket, hiding it under the desk as he text chan to ask where Changbin was.

After a few moments of watching Chan stare down at his phone, Jisung got a response telling him that Changbin had spent the night sleeping on a bench and had gotten a cold but decided to go into town for the day instead of rest.

Jisung was fully aware that going into town meant Changbin was probably in the search for a bit of fun for the night. He felt a sense of pity at the knowledge that Changbin had spent the night outside on a bench in the freezing weather. He would normally have called Jisung for help and something about that thought made Jisung feel weak. Maybe he really was helping Changbin ruin his life. He wasn't there for his friend when Changbin had been there for him when things had been tough.

But as much as Jisung felt awful and incredibly guilty, everytime he imagined himself talking to Changbin, he began to feel sick again. Sick, shaky and nervous. He sighed before texting Felix and Seungmin, asking if they could go and get waffles together after school. Felix replied almost immediately with a yes but Seungmin later declined, explaining that he had too much homework to catch up on.

Jisung soon realised this meant he would be alone with Felix. He'd never hung out alone with him before, unsurprisingly so as they'd only recently become friends and Jisung's gut told him something would be strange about it, both due to Jisung's realisation of Felix's crush and his sudden new attraction to his friend. 

He didn't know whether to be scared or excited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if there were mistakes im bad at proofreading fjdjsj


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jisung's heart is in conflict  
> and old friendships are revisited

It was during English that the school bell rang, signalling the end of the day. Jisung stood up from his seat, quickly packing his bag so he could leave. He was in class with Chan, and could tell he wanted to talk again. As much as he knew it was necessary, Jisung was tired and didn't want to end up saying the wrong thing.

"Hey, Ji. Wait up."

Jisung sighed, holding back his disappointment and turning to his friend. "Hey, Chan. Is something wrong?"

Chan smiled. "No. But I have football practice after school today and you used to love coming along. Do you want to?"

Jisung heart ached. Chan's pleading eyes and hopeful smile. He took a deep breath, ready to decline until his phone suddenly rang. He gestured for Chan to wait for a moment as he answered the call. 'Hey, Felix. You okay?'

'Uh. I got detention. But we can still go out after. I just- You'll have to wait around for an hour but you don't have to. Obviously. You know what, it's fine. We'll do it some other time. I'm really sorry.'

'Wait. No that's okay. I'll go watch the football practice and we can go after, yeah?'

Felix sounded ecstatic and agreed before ending the phone call. Jisung turned to Chan again, almost forgetting the boy was even there until he spoke. "Hey, so I guess you can come then? I didn't realise you and Felix were so close. Like, he talks about you alot but I guess I just... I don't know. I didn't think you were that close."

Jisung just shrugged, too focused on the fact that Felix apparently talked about him a lot. "Yeah, I guess. Me and Seungmin are his only friends in school so far. But like, seriously, incase you're worried, don't be. He couldn't ever replace you."

Chan smiled at Jisung's words, and Jisung was happy to see such genuine happiness radiate off of his friend. He felt bad to think that Chan felt like he was being replaced, though he understood why he might've thought that. Jisung hadn't properly talked to Chan in over a week, which didn't seem like long, but it definitely was for Jisung, who spent half his days just talking. He'd become so close with Felix in that short amount of time as well. Jisung felt bad. 

They walked together to the changing rooms, Jisung leaving Chan at the doorway to head straight outside. It was cold but Jisung had a jacket on so he was hardly even shivering. He stood alone for a few minutes before the players began to slowly make their way onto the field. Jisung waved at Chan, who gladly waved back. 

He felt warm inside at how normal it all felt, minus the absence of Changbin. Jisung began to let his mind wander to the boy. He missed Changbin's laugh and his smile. He hated the thought that Changbin was hurting and he wasn't even helping. He hated that he was too afraid to even try and talk to him. He pulled his phone out, thumb hovering over Changbin's number. 

He didn't even know if Changbin would pick up. Or if Changbin had already blocked him. But then, why would he? Changbin didn't seem mad at him. He was probably just afraid to talk to him. Jisung stared at the number. He's never before considered that Changbin might be too afraid to apologise. Jisung had stormed off and left Changbin after their last conversation and hadn't even glanced at him since. Changbin probably thought he hated him. 

Jisung shoved his phone back in his pocket, feeling the guilt envelope him. He had been acting like he hated Changbin. He'd even told Chan he did. It was no wonder that Changbin hadn't made an effort. Jisung groaned out loud, turning the heads of the few that heard it. He blushed, apologising before groaning once more, just a bit more quietly. 

He rubbed his eyes in frustration, annoyed that he hadn't realised early before the awkward air between them had even existed. Now, the damage was done, the friendship too broken. Jisung stared lazily at the game. Chan was playing well, and Jisung felt a sense of pride. He cheered, releasing the remaining bit of happiness out of his body to support his friend. He saw Chan smile and laugh. The joy from his friend warmed his heart. It meant to world to Jisung to see his friend happy after he'd made him so sad.

The hour passed by quicker than Jisung ever imagined it would. Chan came running over after he'd changed, thanking him for coming. "I'll wait with you until Felix comes." He said, and Jisung nodded. They talked about nothing in particular and Jisung was grateful for the normality of it all. After around five minutes of waiting, Felix came running up to them, saying hi to them both. He seemed at bit confused at Chan's presence, but Chan quickly announced that he would leave before he hugged Jisung. He waved goodbye to Felix as well before running off. 

Jisung turned to Felix. "Yeah, he just wanted to wait with me until you came." 

He saw Felix visably relax with relief. "I got worried that you'd invited him along." He said with a shy smile. Jisung just ignored the comment and the way it made his heart beat a little faster. As they walked, they talked about Felix's detention and other small things which held little meaning to them until they arrived at their destination. The dessert shop was small but popular amongst the students at their school. However today, it seemed to be void of any life. Jisung held the door open for Felix, who visably reddened at the gesture before saying thank you and entering. Jisung felt a slight panic begin to bubble inside him, afraid he was beginning to lead Felix on. 

But then, Jisung wondered if he was purposefully trying to impress Felix. He was unsure of his own intentions, his head aching slightly out of confusion. He followed after Felix, sitting down opposite the boy with dramatic sigh. "I am literally so hungry." Jisung whined, picking up the menu to quickly look at the options even though he knew he would get his usual again. Felix laughed, "Okay, you order first then." 

Jisung didn't waste the opportunity and jumped out of his seat, grateful for the lack of a queue. "Can I have a strawberry choc indulgence, please? Oh, and an oreo milkshake." 

He handed over his money in exchange for a receipt and went back to where Felix was sat, looking at his phone with obvious boredom. "Your go." Jisung said, patting him on the shoulder before sitting down again. He watched as Felix smiled and stood up, his back facing Jisung as he walked towards the counter. To pass the time, Jisung scrolled through his phone, noticing a text from Jeongin. He frowned, clicking on the notification. 

'he says he needs you. please come he won't stop crying.' 

Jisung couldn't even fully read the message before Felix returned and he immediately put his phone down, the text instantly leaving his mind. "Right, so I have to tell you about this film I watched the other day." 

And thus, their conversation began, only stopping briefly so that they could eat their waffles. Almost two hours passed before they decided they should finally go home. They exited the dessert shop laughing, shoulders brushing. As they walked, Jisung noticed Felix shivering, and became acutely aware of the fact that he didn't have a coat on. Without a second thought, Jisung took his off and gave it to Felix, not noticing how red his friend had gone, or the nervous shake in his voice as he said thank you. 

Their talk eventually dissolved into a comfortable silence which caused Jisung's thoughts to catch up with his actions. He was suddenly more than aware of how date-like everything felt, and how it was everything he'd envisioned doing with Changbin. He frowned at himself for even thinking of Changbin while Felix was stood right beside him. He glanced to his side, watching Felix briefly. His skin glowed underneath the dim streetlights, a small smile painted on his lips. Jisung thought he was pretty. But he hated himself for complaining that he wasn't Changbin.

Jisung sighed. He was determined to get over his crush on Changbin. So, to try and go against what his heart longed for, he reached for Felix's hand, giving the excuse that he got scared walking at night. Felix's hand was warm, and it seemed to spread into Jisung's heart. He saw Felix's shy smile and felt his heart flutter. The sudden emotion made him smile, happy to know that getting over Changbin wasn't impossible.

He ignored the nagging voice in the back of his head telling him that he was wrong and messing both with his own emotions and with Felix's. He figured that eventually, Felix would replace Changbin's place in his heart. He almost hoped it did, fully aware that Felix deserved the world and more. He didn't know if he could give him that but he would gladly try if it meant not breaking Felix's heart.

"Well, this is where we part." Felix said with a small laugh. Jisung smiled and nodded. "Yeah, but I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

An atmosphere suddenly fell upon them and Jisung knew that it would be the perfect atmosphere to kiss Felix. He hesitated for a moment though, and almost immediately recognised how wrong it would be to kiss him. Jisung forced a smile, before beginning to walk in the opposite direction, yelling a loud 'see you later' before fully turning around and picking up his pace to turn the corner. After he did so, he stopped and released a breath he hadn't realised he was holding. He felt dizzy with confusion.

A part of him genuinely wanted to kiss Felix, but there was still that voice in his head reminding him of Changbin instead. He groaned aloud before finally making his way home. He wished he had brought earphones, desperate to silence the conflict occurring in his head. By the time he got home, he was both mentally and physically exhausted. He went straight to bed, pushing everything that had happened to the back of his mind so he could sleep peacefully.

\-------

He woke the next morning feeling refreshed for the first time in ages. Minus the hunger in his stomach from skipping dinner, he felt great. He'd even woken up earlier than usual so jumped in the shower to quickly wash his hair. After he got out and changed, he made his way downstairs, making himself some toast and scrolling on his phone as he waited. 

Felix had text, thanking him for the good time. Jisung smiled, responding with his own thank you. He had also gotten a text from Chan, asking him to look at his texts. He frowned, confused and unsure of what his friend meant for him to do. He had no other notifications to look at. He was brought out of his thoughts by his toast popping, which he quickly buttered before grabbing his bag and leaving the house. 

Despite being early, Jisung appreciated the cold morning air and the tranquillity of walking to school alone in the morning. He finished his toast before getting his phone out again and checking his messages. He stopped in his tracks when he realised there was a message from Jeongin. 

He didn't recognise the words but had apparently already read the text. He stared at the alarming message and gulped. Chan had said that Jeongin wasn't even talking to Changbin anymore, so for him to text Jisung about Changbin definitely meant something bad had happened. He sighed, unaware of what to do to fix his mistake. 

He arrived at school and headed straight for the toilets, locking himself in a cubicle to allow himself to breathe. The silence was peaceful and helped calm Jisung's panicking heart. It was soon broken though, as he heard the door swing open, two recognisable voices entering. 

"Changbin, did we seriously need to come this early to school just to talk?" 

"Yes. I needed a walk. And to talk because..." 

There was a deafening silence and Jisung swore he was about to pass out from holding his breath.  
He heard one of them sigh. 

"Chan. I think he really does hate me. I had a breakdown yesterday. Like, I know I have them a lot but this one was bad and Jeongin came into my room and he got so scared for me. Like, he was crying and I thought he didn't care but he clearly did so that made me worse for some reason. And then-"

His voice was becoming shaky and it sounded like he was on the verge of tears. Jisung could hear Chan telling him to take deep breaths before Changbin eventually continued. 

"And then I stupidly just thought that maybe Jisung cared too. And then I started crying about Jisung and so Jeongin text him and he saw the message like, almost instantly but he didn't reply. And I don't even know why that hurt so fucking much. I just felt so hopeless. Like, I've made my best mate hate me because I'm such a fucking idiot."

Jisung stood stunned, trying not to cry. Changbin sounded so broken and Jisung hated to think that he had caused it. He almost wanted to leave the cubicle, to just apologise and hug Changbin on the spot, but just as he built up the courage to do so, Chan spoke up. 

"Maybe he accidentally clicked on the message? He was out with Felix last night, for ages too because Felix came home quite late." 

There was a sudden sound of glass smashing and Jisung smacked a hand over his mouth to conceal his shock. "Changbin!" Chan sounded scared. 

"Fuck. What the actual fuck? Why is Felix not trying to help out? Why is he fucking just stealing Jisung as our friend? He's making Jisung hate me. I can see it. I bet he's telling him things. Making me out to be the biggest dickhead in the world. I bet-" 

"Oh my god, Changbin. Stop. You need to calm down, okay? Felix hasn't got anything against you, alright? If anything, maybe he just has a crush on Jisung. But trust me, Jisung does still see you as his best mate, not Felix. Maybe he even has a crush on Felix. But he doesn't see Felix as a replacement for you, okay? "

And then they left. Jisung finally left the cubicle which seemed to only be getting smaller. He stood perfectly still for a moment, shocked as he stared at the shattered glass that glistened on the floor, splashes of blood staining the wall. 

He knew his morning had been too calm. But the storm which would dampen his mood for the rest of the day had arrived and Jisung was sure nothing had ever made him feel so awful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i feel like everyone seems really overdramatic in this but like they have their reasons to be (and they are teenagers so i mean...) but still im sorry if it comes across as kind of unrealistic because of that
> 
> also im going to try to make the chapters longer so this story doesn't end up feeling too dragged out


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jisung finally talks with changbin  
> and things get out of control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been ages again sorry:( i just kinda lost motivation with this story and like fully hated it for a few days but that's gone now so alls good and updates should be regular again. sorry for the delay though

The day seemed to drag on, and Jisung was dreading the final period of the day, when he had psychology with Changbin and was planning to finally talk to him. However, the two boys were forced together sooner than Jisung had expected them to be. During the lesson before lunch, the year 12's were put into their form classes for a 'confidence building' workshop. They spent half the lesson in silence, writing speeches about a prompt sentence they had each been given. Jisung was laughably given the sentence, 'what i need to get off my chest.' He wrote words before scribbling them out, scrunching his paper and then starting again. A repetitive cycle of being unable to express his thoughts on paper. 

The teacher eventually called time on writing the speeches and Jisung had written nothing. His situation seemed to go from bad to worse when he was paired with Changbin to read out his speech to. He reluctantly moved seats so that he was sat opposite Changbin, who offered him a small smile. Jisung remembered how he'd acted like he hated the boy in front of him and felt a wave of regret wash over him.

"What I need to get off my chest. There's a lot. Firstly, I'm gay. Very much so but it feels like only a tiny portion of people actually know. One of whom being my best mate. He's always been there for me. Through the good times and the bad. We fight sometimes. But I know that whatever happens, we'll always have each others backs. I'm scared that my friends think I'm replacing them. I'm not. I sometimes need advice from new mindsets, and it's nice to sometimes be around a person who has had similar experiences to you. But no matter what my new friends bring to the table, they'll never replace my best mates. Especially Changbin. He knows more about me than anyone in the world and I know that I can really trust him. Even if he's a dick. But yeah, that's it, that's what I needed to get off my chest."

Changbin smiled a large, comforting smile that Jisung automatically recreated on his own face. "That was a good speech." Changbin said, with a slight laugh. Jisung shrugged, "Yeah, well I didn't write it down but I meant every word."

Changbin nodded slightly before pulling Jisung into a hug. "I'm sorry for being such a dick to you." He whispered into Jisung's ear. They pulled away from the hug. "I'm still not sure if I forgive you, and I'm still going to hang out with Seungmin and Felxi sometimes, including today. But, I really just want to move past all this shit." Jisung said with a sigh. Changbin nodded in agreement just before the teacher announced that they would switch partners again to hear the speeches of those who hadn't spoken yet. Jisung waved goodbye to Changbin as some random girl in his class sat in front of him.

He couldn't focus on her words, too caught up in the relief of finally talking to Changbin. It would be weird for a while but Jisung wasn't willing to lose a friend over his stupid crush. With Felix in the picture, Jisung figured their friendship could fix itself sooner than they were expecting it to. The bell rang, indicating that it was finally lunchtime. Jisung packed up his stuff and went over to Felix as he began to pack away as well. "That must've been awkward." Felix said, subtly pointing to Changbin. Jisung shook his head. "Actually, no. I got it all off my chest. I think we'll probably be back to normal really soon."

Felix's expression suddenly saddened. "Back to normal? As in, not hanging out with me and Seungmin anymore?"

"What? No. I mean, I'm going to hang out with Chan and Changbin again but I still want to hang out with you guys, so I'll just split the days. Or, maybe you guys could come sit with us?"

Felix shrugged, "I mean, I would be okay with that."

"Okay with what?" Seungmin said, appearing beside them suddenly. Jisung explained and Seungmin nodded, "I mean, I'm not that close with them but I wouldn't mind. Only if they're okay with that though."

Jisung nodded, suddenly excited. He ran over to Changbin and Chan, who seemed surprised at his arrival. "Okay, so I know this may seem strange but I've really, really missed being with you guys but I can't just ditch Felix and Seungmin so do you think you would be up for us all sitting together?" Jisung spoke quickly, it suddenly dawning on him that it was probably too soon and too odd for him to ask such a thing. Him and Changbin had barely made up from their argument, and they both hardly ever talked to Seungmin. He bit his lip to conceal the sudden wave of anxiety.

Changbin and Chan looked at each other, seemingly discussing the proposal with their eyes. "I mean, I'm cool with it." Chan said with a shrug, so Jisung focused on Changbin. Jisung hated himself for asking as he looked at his friends expression. "Hey, don't feel like you have to say yes just to like, keep me happy or anything. Like, honestly I'm okay with you saying-"

"Yes. I mean, Yeah, I'm okay with it too." Changbin said. "And I'm not just saying that to keep you happy. It'd be nice to get to know Seungmin and I like Felix anyway." He added. Jisung was reminded of the words he'd heard that morning, where Changbin had become outraged at the idea that Felix was stealing him away. He hoped it wouldn't be awkward because of that. Jisung turned to Seungmin and Felix and gave them a nod to signal that Chan and Changbin were okay with it. They nodded back, before walking over, both saying hello. The dreaded silence fell over them, filled with awkward smiles.

"Let's go get lunch." Jisung said, breaking the atmosphere as he lead the way out of the classroom. They all followed, eventually starting up a conversation about how boring the workshop had been. After they all got food, they found a seat in the dining hall, and sat down. Changbin sat opposite Jisung, next to Seungmin and Jisung sat in between Felix and Chan. Jisung was grateful that it wasn't awkward. Seungmin and Changbin were even getting on well and the conversation seemed to flow naturally. Jisung ate his food in silence as the others talked, unintentionally staring at Changbin's hand, his knuckles littered with small cuts from when he'd smashed the mirror. Jisung couldn't help the frown that formed on his face. 

Felix tapped him on the shoulder, "Hey, are you alright? You're being really quiet." Jisung turned to look at him, noticing there was sauce on the edge of his mouth. Without a second though, Jisung brought his thumb to Felix's lip, wiping off the sauce. He only realised what he'd done when Felix turned a bright shade of red. Jisung coughed awkwardly, before turning back to his food. The rest of the table had gone quiet, and Jisung hated the sudden attention on him. He glanced at Chan, who was holding back his laughter. Jisung kicked him under the table, making him yell out. Changbin then stood up, claiming he needed the toilet. There was a moment of quiet again before Seungmin asked a question about some TV show and the moment was forgotten.

When Changbin eventually came back, he sat down with a dramatic sigh. Felix asked him what was wrong but Changbin just sighed again. Jisung hated to pry, but decided to ask as well. "Has something happened?" Changbin looked at Jisung and shrugged, shaking his head. "Not really, I just got a text from this woman I was meant to meet later and she's cancelled but hey, that's not a big deal."

"Hey, maybe that's a good thing. You can have a night to yourself for once." Chan said, though he sounded like a dick as he did so, even if it wasn't intentional. Jisung gently nudged Chan, shaking his head to try and tell him to just leave it. The message didn't get across, however, and Chan continued. "What? I'm not being mean, I'm just saying, it's not like you're exactly in desperate need to get laid. If anything, a day off might be nice."

 

Jisung rolled his eyes, not even surprised when Changbin stood up angrily. "Maybe just shut your fucking mouth, Chan. It's my life, not yours." Jisung was surprised, however, when he raised his fist. Suddenly the whole school seemed to be  watching, just to see how things would play out. Jisung jumped up, grabbing Changbin's fist. "Changbin! Calm down, this isn't like you at all."

Changbin yanked his arm out of Jisung's grip. "How the fuck would you know anything about me?" Jisung hurried around  the table so he was stood face to face with Changbin. "Because I'm your friend and the Changbin that I know would never be violent or be such a dick."  Changbin opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He hesitated for a moment before forcibly shoving Jisung to the floor. Jisung couldn't even speak as he made contact with the ground, watching hopelessly as Changbin stormed out of the dining hall, kicking over a chair and shoving past a teacher as he did so. Jisung jumped up, every inch of him wishing to go after his friend but Felix grabbed his hand, holding him back.

"Let him cool off, otherwise he might hurt you."

Jisung turned to Felix, "Hurt me? Changbin would never hurt me."

"Jisung, he just hurt you. He literally shoved you to the floor."

Jisung knew it was true and his heart ached. Changbin was not okay. He was acting out and being irrational. He hated himself for being so sympathetic when Changbin had been nothing but cruel to him recently. He looked to Chan, who sat with a guilty look on his face. Jisung pulled him to his feet, wrapping him in an embrace. "It's not your fault, okay?"

Chan pulled away from the hug, "But it is. I angered him even after you told me to stop."  
Jisung shook his head, "Okay, fine. Maybe you shouldn't have done that, but Changbin never, ever reacts like that normally. He'll be pissed but getting so angry so quickly, and getting so violent... That's not normal for him."

Chan nodded, his eyes still filled with guilt. Seungmin suggested they go outside to get some air, and to get away from the curiosity of the other students. They all agreed it was a good idea, and made their way outside.

Jisung spent the rest of the school day distracted, worried about Changbin's wellbeing. The teacher's had been asking around for him, but he'd apparently left the school. Jisung had found Jeongin and asked him if he knew anything but Jeongin had just glared at him, saying, "Oh so now you care?" before walking off. Jisung's heart felt heavy and he wanted to cry but he contained his tears, unwilling to let himself cry during class.

When the school bell rang for the end of the day, Jisung went straight home, not waiting for any of his friends. He just wanted to get into his bed and think about everything that had happened. When he got home, he had a small snack before getting into bed and trying falling asleep, despite it only being ten past five.

He eventually fell into a deep sleep, his pillow soaked with tears as the rain gently hit his window.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jisung has an unexpected visitor  
> and chan discovers the truth

Jisung was woken up at around 2am by his phone ringing. He reached out into the darkness and grabbed his phone, picking up the call without bothering to even check who was calling first.

"Jisung?" Changbin's voice cracked at the end and his cries were loud enough to hear through the phone. Jisung jumped out of bed, "Changbin? Where are you?" Changbin didn't respond however, the sound of his sobs echoing through the phone still. Jisung quickly put on a hoodie, grabbing his keys before sneaking down the stairs and out of his house. "Changbin, I'll come get you. Where are you?"

But the phone call ended before he got get a reply.  Jisung stared down at his phone in shock. He began to panic, unsure of what to do or who to ask for help. He went to dial Chan's number when someone suddenly tapped him on the shoulder. Jisung spun around, flinching backwards in shock. Changbin stood before him, eyes red and puffy, cheeks stained with tears. His hair was all messed up and his shirt was inside out. Jisung didn't know how to react. Changbin was visably shaking, his louds cries turned to small whimpers. Jisung just grabbed his arm, pulling him back into his house. He signal for Changbin to be quiet as they snuck back into Jisung's room.

They sat down together on his bed. "What's wrong?" Jisung asked, genuinely confused as to what was happening. Changbin looked down at his lap, fiddling with his fingers. "I wish I wasn't me." Jisung stared wide eyed. He hadn't been expecting such words to ever come out of his friends mouth. Changbin was usually so confident, almost too confident sometimes.  "Has something happened?" Jisung questioned, desperate to find out more.

Changbin nodded. "Don't judge me please." His voice was so quiet, so pitifully vulnerable. Jisung felt his heart aching. "I won't, I promise." He said, and Changbin smiled. He took a deep breath before he began to explain what had happened.  
"So, you know how that woman cancelled on me? Well, after I left school, I was really angry at myself for lashing out and for hurting you. So I went home for a bit before I decided to call her up, and she said she was okay for us to meet again. We scheduled to meet at some pub at like 9, and we got a bit drunk before we went back to hers. So it was coming up to 11.30, and obviously we were making out and stuff but she wanted to, you know, start doing bits. And I was okay with that, until like, we both got naked and I just burst out crying. I felt so fucking disgusting. I still do. Chan was right. Like, I couldn't even go one day with out having a little fuck and I hate myself for it. I fucking hate myself so much."

Jisung watched as Changbin broke down into tears once again. He leaned forward, taking hold of Changbin's shaking hand. "Changbin... I don't understand. Why do you hate yourself?" Jisung hated that he couldn't help but he truly didn't understand why Changbin felt the way he did. Changbin's tears dissolved into small sniffles. "I just, hate that I don't stop myself. I know what I do is wrong and disgusting. And I don't even want sex that bad half the time, but I get a small tiny rush out of it before I go home feeling like absolute shit because something just doesn't feel right about it. I don't know what, but something's changed recently and the feeling after is now ten times worse and I fucking hate it."

Jisung reached forward, taking Changbin's chin in his hand and lifting his head. He wiped the fallen tears with his thumbs. "Please don't hate yourself. You're not disgusting. It's okay that things feel different. Maybe you just don't want it as much as you think you do."

"B- But it's who I am. And now, I'm so confused because I don't even find half the girls I'm sleeping with attractive."

Jisung just frowned, unsure of what Changbin was getting at. "You're not going to be attracted to someone all the time."

Changbin sighed. "But I am. There's just one person though and I'm not used to having that... I don't know, that desire for a person." Jisung almost laughed at the way Changbin worded his thoughts but was too focused on trying to put together what he was trying to say.

"Okay, so you might like one of them more than the others. It's called a crush, so what?"

Changbin laughed this time. "This is not a crush. I do not have a fucking crush. That's not me. Especially not on this person." Jisung found himself frowning once again. Changbin sounded like he was judging a girl for how he looked and he hated how shallow his friend sounded.

"Did you feel different when you kissed her? Like, compared to the others?"

Changbin shrugged. Jisung rolled his eyes, about to ask him to try and remember but before he could speak, Changbin leaned forward. Jisung felt the fireworks explode in his stomach as their lips touched. The kiss was passionate, hungry, desperate. All rational thoughts seemed to instantly leave Jisung's mind as he kissed back, his heart racing. They eventually parted when they finally needed air and just sat together for a moment, hardly any distance between them, the only sound being their heavy breaths. Jisung watched Changbin's expression carefully as he asked, "Why did you do that?"

Changbin shrugged. "I just wanted to check if it felt different to when I kiss her. It does."

Jisung knew it was too good to be true. He huffed out a breath halfway between an empty laugh and a sigh, shutting his eyes temporarily so he could try and comprehend Changbin's words. He opened his eyes to see Changbin was already at the door, ready to leave. "I'm sorry if I've made things weird again, but I needed to test it out. I'm sorry." Jisung refused to speak as he watched Changbin leave his room. Once he was sure the boy had left his house, Jisung got back into his bed. He couldn't sleep, too shocked and too disappointed to relax his mind. Changbin had made the same mistake again and again. Jisung was done, so utterly and completely done.

He spent the rest of the night lying awake in his bed, making a list of reasons as to why Changbin was the biggest dick of the century. He got so riled up that he texted out a whole rant, almost sending it to Felix. He deleted the lengthy paragraph and instead just sent a simple text saying 'remind me why i ever forgave changbin'.  
There was no reply, unsurprisingly as the text had been sent at 4.45 in the morning. Still, the deleted rant and the text to Felix did help Jisung to finally calm down, a wave of fatigue hitting him harshly as he came to terms with the time.

Jisung groaned into his pillow, annoyed at himself for losing sleep over Changbin. He had to get up in only two hours, but Jisung was determined to get at least a small bit of sleep, refusing to let Changbin leave him completely sleep deprived. He spent around ten minutes fidgeting and switching which way he would sleep before the exhaustion finally took over him, forcing him into a deep sleep.

Jisung was awoken the next morning by his phone ringing, and he got a sudden rush of memories of what had happened. He picked up the phone, glad to hear Felix's soothing voice on the other end of the call. "Hey, you text me really early this morning about Changbin. Are you okay?"

Jisung yawned, shrugging his shoulder before realising that Felix couldn't see him. "Honestly, at this point I don't even know." Felix declared that they would walk to school together so they could talk before hanging up. Jisung yawned once more before reluctantly getting out of bed. He got ready for school just in time as the doorbell rang just as he had finished tying up his laces. Jisung only then realised that Felix had no idea where he lived. He stood in front of the closed door or a few moments, confused and concerned. His was broken out of his trance when the doorbell rang once more.

Jisung opened the door to see both Felix and Chan stood on his doorstep. He looked at both of them, unsure of what to say. "Chan offered to take me to your house, and I figured he might as well hang around to find out what Changbin did."

Jisung shook his head as he stepped out of his house, shutting the door behind him. "Uh, no. Sorry. Chan can't know." Jisung still hadn't told Chan about any of the kisses he'd shared with Changbin. Felix frowned. "Why not? He's your friend."

Jisung hated how disappointed Chan looked, but no amount of guilt made him want to tell Chan what had happened. "Felix, there's stuff that happened that I would feel weird saying to him, because we're so close."

Felix's frowned only seemed to deepens further. "What? Unless you've sagged Changbin or something, I'm not really sure what would make you feel weird." Jisung watched Chan's eyes widen in shock and he immediately began to shake his head in denial. "I swear, that did not happen. Me and Changbin haven't down anything like that."

"I'm mean, you have snogged him. Twice."

Jisung literally faced palmed at Felix's words, who only then seemed to clock why Jisung was being so secretive. "Oh shit." Was all that Felix said, before he began speedily walking down the road. Jisung followed after him and Chan did too, his mouth hanging wide open. "Did I just hear that right? You've kissed Changbin twice?"

Jisung realised there was no point in denying it. The secret was out. "Well, three times now." He said, rather bluntly. Felix audibly gasped in shock. "So you mean last night... But I thought you were over him now?" Felix almost seemed sad as he asked the question. Jisung was reminded of how terrible the previous night had made him feel,and instantly nodded. "Well, I am now. Trust me."

Chan suddenly stopped walking. "I'm sorry but I'm really going to need you to explain. So, you have- I mean had a crush on Changbin? And you kissed him? And he kissed back? Three times? And he doesn't even have feelings for you?" Jisung nodded in response to each of the questions.

"I mean, he kissed me first all three times I'm pretty sure. But hey, it meant nothing so there's no need to stress over it."

Chan pulled a face. "Jisung. You kissed the boy you like three times and you're telling me it meant nothing? And besides, when has Changbin ever kissed the same person more than once, on completely different days?"

"Well, apparently the girl he was talking about last night. He only kissed me to see if it felt different from when he kissed her. It did and then he left. End of story."

Chan let out a disappointed sigh. "Fuck, Jisung. That's really shitty of him." Jisung just nodded, before he began walking again, Felix and Chan following close behind him. He hoped his sour mood wasn't too obvious but apparently it was as Felix ran to join his side, grabbing his hand and rubbing his thumb across the back of it. Jisung smiled at the gestured and the way it warmed his heart. Felix smiled brightly, squeezing Jisung's hand gently as he spoke. 

"It'll be okay. We're here for you. I'm here for you."


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jisung is over changbin  
> but he still worries about him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly im just shit at quick updates  
> school killed me fjdjsj sorry

It was breaktime and Changbin still hadn't come to school. Jisung couldn't find it in himself to care. In fact, he thought Changbin was cowardly for not even bothering to show his face after leaving Jisung so abruptly. However, Jisung's main focus wasn't on Changbin, but on Felix. They were sitting outside with Seungmin and Chan, though they were mainly focused on each other. Jisung's face hurt from smiling so much, his heart feeling light as it fluttered everytime Felix made him blush. They were not so subtly flirting and their friends had definitely caught onto it.  
"Guys, you do realise we're here too, right?" Seungmin asked, raising his eyebrows. Jisung couldn't help but laugh at his friends expression. He took a moment to collect himself before apologising. "Yeah, sorry. Were you saying something?"  
   "Well, Chan and I were talking about Changbin and I know you don't really care-"  
    "You're right, I don't so, let's not talk about him yeah?"

He ignored Chan's frown as he turned back to face Felix. Changbin had messed with his feelings one too many times, and Jisung refused to show him anymore sympathy. Felix leaned forward, squishing his cheeks in his hands. "Stop pouting, its makes you too cute." Jisung felt the blood rush to his face, and was well aware that there was probably a tint of red splashed across his cheeks. He pulled away from Felix's grip with a shy smile. "Sorry." Jisung said, in an unnecessarily cute voice. Felix cooed from the adorable sight which made Chan audibly gag. Jisung laughed as Chan spoke. "Seriously guys, I'm not use to all this. You gotta tone it down for me." Felix rolled his eyes, playfully sticking his tongue out at his cousin as he leaned his head on Jisung's shoulder. Seungmin joined Jisung and Felix in laughing at Chan's expression.

"Chan, lighten up. We're just friends." Jisung said, gently pushing Felix off his shoulder so he could move closer to Chan. "Hey, don't get me wrong, I don't care if you guys are together or just friends. I'm just not use to all this pda." Chan said, yet allowing Jisung to envelope him in a hug. Jisung laughed into Chan's shoulder, completely unaware of the frown that had fixed itself upon Felix's face. 

The day finished quickly, and Felix and Jisung decided to go and get waffles together after school. They talked briefly on the short walk to the dessert shop, which turned out to be quite busy, filled with people from their school. They found a table in the corner of the shop, taking it in turns to order food before they were both able to just sit and relax. "So, how are you feeling?" Felix asked, his voice laced with concern and affection. Jisung sighed, unsure of how to answer. He was angry at Changbin and Felix was slowly starting to cloud his mind, but he hated to think that he was just using Felix as a rebound. "Well, today's been the best day I've had for a while."   
   "That's good. I'm glad you're happy."   
Jisung didn't get a chance to respond, their waffles being brought over to their table just as he opened his mouth. His mind blanked at the sight of the food, his mouth beginning to water, his stomach growling. He would never not be in the mood for food. 

They both began to tuck into their waffles, eating so much that there was no space for a conversation. But it wasn't awkward. Jisung felt comfortable enough around Felix to be able to just eat in silence without feeling strange about it. When they were both nearing the end of their waffles, a conversation started up again. It began light hearted but soon the topic turned back to Changbin, much to Jisung's frustration. "Are you ever going to talk to him again?" Felix asked, before putting his fork in his mouth. Jisung didn't hesitate to nod,  
   "Oh, obviously. But I don't know when. This time he really does need to apologise first. Like, he really just did everything that caused us to fight all over again. I don't even know what was going through his mind."   
       
"Yeah, it's really out of character for him to be such a dick, but I guess people change. It's been a while since I last saw him, and now suddenly he's turned into such a prick." Felix replied, the disappointment clear in his voice. There was a short pause and Jisung took this as his opportunity to change the topic away from Changbin and onto something less emotionally draining to talk about. His method worked, and a new conversation was struck up between the two about a new ps4 game that was coming out.   
At around half four, they decided it was time to leave, standing from theirs seats and exiting the dessert shop. The walk home was quiet and peaceful. Jisung reveled in the tranquility of it all, enjoying the cold air agasint his face. Felix at some point joined their hands together, the warmth spreading into Jisung's fingers. Jisung didn't mind that they were holding hands --they had done so before-- but now that he'd declared his crush on Changbin to be fully over, it suddenly felt a lot more important. That small touch held so much more meaning and Jisung's wasn't sure how he felt about it. Despite his uncertainty, Jisung continued to hold Felix's hand until they eventually parted ways. 

Jisung got home and for the first time in a while, didn't just go straight to his bed. He actually did some of his homework and then watched some TV. He felt like he was finally returning to his normal self, and it seemed the only way he would be able to keep it up would be to forget about Changbin. 

The next day, Jisung woke up feeling well rested. He got changed, ate breakfast and even said goodbye to his mum before making his way to school. Seungmin greeted him upon his arrival and they sat outside go wait for Chan and Felix to come as well. Jisung was grateful that Seungmin didn't mention Changbin as the they spoke. After about ten minutes, Felix and Chan arrived to school, easily joining in on the conversation Seungmin was having with Jisung. Everything felt so right. Their new friendship was something Jisung was more than grateful for and he hoped it would never change. Throughout the whole day, his mind didn't once consider Changbin, or the fact that he yet again hadn't turned up to school. 

The next week soon rolled around, and it was on this Monday that Jisung began to panic.  Changbin hadn't been to school in so long and Jisung was finally worried. This was out of character for Changbin and Jisung probably wasn't even the cause at this point. At some point during the day, Jisung was alone with Chan so he took this as his opportunity to ask. "Hey, Chan? Have you seen Changbin at all lately?" 

"Are you sure you okay with talking about him?" Chan asked, though it was obvious he was desperate to talk about Changbin's disappearance. Jisung nodded. He was genuinely scared for Changbin, and a sudden wave of old emotions was taking over him. His heart ached so much. Feelings he'd pushed to the side were slowly seeping out and he wanted to cry. He cared about Changbin so much.   
  "Yes, I'm sure. I'm actually really worried about him."    
Chan released a sigh of relief.   
   "Me too. He's not answering any of his calls. He's not at home. Jeongin won't even talk to me and I know you've argued and he's been a dick, but fuck, Ji. I'm so worried." 

Jisung hadn't realised how bad the situation was. Changbin wasn't even at home, never mind school. At what seemed to be perfect timing, Jeongin walked past where Chan and Jisung were sat. Without a second thought, Jisung jumped up and grabbed his arm, forcing him to a stop. Jeongin turned around, clearly confused until he saw it was Jisung. Without speaking, Jisung pulled him over to where they were sitting. "Do you know where Changbin is?" Jisung asked. Jeongin rolled his eyes.  
    "No, so can I go now?"     
"No, Jeongin. We're worried about him. Aren't you?" 

    "Of course I am. Kind of. Last I saw him, I came back from school and the house was absolutely trashed, Changbin was screaming at dad and then he ran out and just didn't come back. And now he's left me with dad being more pissed off then ever. Like, he's so mad at Changbin so he keeps getting drunk and shouting at me and I fucking hate Changbin for leaving me with him." 

Jisung turned to Chan. He presumed his own face mirrored the concern plastered on Chan's. The situation was a lot worse than Jisung ever thought it would be. "Do you know what they were fighting about?" Jisung asked but Jeongin just shook his head. Chan and Jisung both gave the young boy a hug before allowing him to leave. "This is bad." Chan said. Jisung nodded just as the school bell for lunch rang. They both got up, and left the library, making their way outside. Seungmin and Felix caught on to the strange mood almost instantly. "What happened?"   
      
"We're just a bit worried about Changbin. Nobody's seen him for ages." Chan answered Felix's question.

Jisung could help but notice Felix's facial expression. It was unclear how the boy felt, but the feelings he began to radiate were anything but positive. Not wanting to make a scene, Jisung asked if they could talk privately, and Felix happily obliged. They walked away from Chan and Seungmin and away from any other ears that could pick up their conversation. "Hey, are you okay?" Felix asked, once they were alone. Jisung just frowned, he was unsure of why he'd pulled Felix to the side. Something about Felix's face when he'd mention Changbin didn't settle well with Jisung, but he wasn't sure what to say about it. 

"Has Changbin done something again?" 

The way Felix spat his name made Jisung flinch. He hated how much hatred Felix had built up towards Changbin. "Stop. Stop acting like I'm stupid to care about him." Jisung said quietly. The face Felix pulled only further fuelled his irritation. "I'm serious, Felix. He's my fucking friend. I should be allowed to be worried about him without you being so condescending towards me."

Felix scoffed. "Jisung, literally the other day you said you were done with him. He's treated you like shit, why are you still bothering with him? You know you're better off without him."

"Felix, what the fuck? Are you forgetting that he was your friend too? And besides, just because he's been a dick, doesn't mean I'm going to ignore the fact that he's literally missing."

"Make up your mind, Jisung. I thought you were over him."

"I am. I am over him, Felix. This isn't about my feelings, this is about Changbin's safety. Stop being so fucking selfish."

Felix didn't respond. He huffed out a sigh of annoyance before walking off and leaving Jisung full of frustration. Felix was worried that Jisung still liked Changbin. It was so selfish and unattractive to Jisung, the constant jealously over someone Jisung had said he was over multiple times. Felix didn't have a say in who he liked anyway, he hadn't promised himself to Felix, or Changbin. Jisung groaned before quickly returning back to where Seungmin and Chan were stood. "Where'd Felix go?"

"He's being an idiot. Just... I'll deal with it later. Do you think I should try calling Changbin?"

Chan and Seungmin nodded at Jisung's idea, and they all stodd patiently around Jisung's phone. It was on speaker, the repetitive ring only sounding out for a few seconds before the call cut off.  Chan looked surprised. "Hey, that's weird. When I ring him, it rings out but he's like, purposefully declined you." Jisung frowned, before dialling Changbin's number again. It rang out for a little bit longer before it was cut off again. "Well at least he's alive" Seungmin commented, which was true but Jisung was confused as to why he declined so quickly. "Maybe, the fact that it was you, scared him? Like, I don't know, maybe he's scared you're angry at him or something." Chan suggested. Jisung figured that was probably true. He was angry so Changbin had every right to be scared but it still hurt Jisung a little.

"I'm going to go look for him." Jisung declared, putting his phone back in his pocket. Chan and Seungmin gave each other a look before simultaneously saying "No."  
   "You can't just skip school, Jisung." Chan said.  
"Exactly, and it'd be better if we all looked together." Seungmin added. Jisung just shrugged, shaking his head. "Well, I'll just be getting a head start then. I'll call you when school's over." He said, walking away before Chan or Seungmin could physically stop him. He made sure no teachers were in sight before exiting the school and running down the road. Once he was sure he was safe, he pulled out his phone again and sent a text to Changbin.

'are you okay?'

He waited a minute or so, but unsurprisingly there was no response. Jisung figured the best place to try first was Changbin's house. Even though Jeongin hadn't seen him there, Jisung knew their dad worked during the day. So the house would be empty most of the day during the week. He figured there was a possibility Changbin might've gone home during those times. So, he set off on his journey towards Changbin's house, sending another text as he did so.

'where are you?'

There was no response.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jisung finds changbin  
> and discovers the truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am really really really sorry for not updating  
> im going to try making up for it by updating tomorrow or the day after   
> sorry:((

Changbin wasn't at his house. Or in any of the places he'd usually be. After hours of searching, Jisung took a break to eat, and as he did so, he realised a place he hadn't yet checked. Without finishing his food, Jisung left his house, the sky already turning dark despite it barely being past four. He walked quickly, his pace almost passing off as a sprint and soon got to the entrance of the park he presumed Changbin was in. Jisung stood outside for a moment. He wasn't sure what he was planning to say if he did see Changbin. He was still angry, still hurt. But he was scared he'd come face to face with Changbin and fall in love all over again. He pushed his feelings to the side, determined to just make sure Changbin was okay.

He entered the park, walking a small distance along the path until he went off of it, into the trees. His heart sank when he was met with an empty bench. He didn't know why he thought Changbin would be at their special bench, and he'd put so much hope into it that the disappointment he felt was more than overwhelming. Tired of searching, Jisung decided to sit down on the bench, the memories hitting him hard. Things had gone south so quickly, and Jisung just wished nothing had ever happened between him and Changbin. Darkness had completely fallen and Jisung was slowly beginning to lose visability of his surroundings. The last thing Jisung wanted was to drift off into a deep sleep in some dodgy park, especially when no one knew where he was. But despite his determination to stay awake, Jisung's eyes began to shut.

"Jisung?"

His eyes snapped opened at the sound of Changbin's voice. Jisung sat wide eyed, staring as Changbin walked into view. He was a mess. His hair was all over the place, his clothes were creased and stained and he was definitely giving off a slight smell. He looked like shit, and Jisung hadn't a clue why. Changbin cleared his throat as he sat down next to Jisung on the bench.  
  "Why are you here, Jisung?"  
"I was looking for you, Changbin. Why the fuck are you here? Why do you look like absolute shit?"  
He heard Changbin sigh but no reply came. Jisung frowned. "Seriously. Chan is so worried about you and I got so scared that something had happened to you."

Changbin still didn't respond and so they sat in silence for a few long minutes. Jisung was becoming restless, but just as he was about to speak up, Changbin spoke. "Dad kicked me out. He saw me kissing some boy by the bus stop and he got mad and that's why I'm here."  
Jisung had to take a moment to process his words. A boy? Changbin had been kissing a boy. For some reason, that made Jisung's heart ache. If Changbin was kissing a boy, then clearly the reason he didn't like Jisung back wasn't because he was straight. But before Jisung could ask, Changbin spoke again.  
  "I'm not gay, Jisung."  
"Well, kissing guys doesn't sound very straight to me." Jisung said.  
"I've only kissed you and that other guy. I'm not gay. I like girls. I've kissed more girls and I have no idea why I even wanted to kiss you."

Jisung tried not to take noticed of the fact that Changbin had wanted to kiss him. It wasn't an attempt to use him, or to test his sexuality but an actual desire. Jisung mentally slapped himself for going off track.  
"Okay, fine. You're not gay."  
"Thank y-"  
"But you're not straight either, Changbin." Jisung cut him off. He hated to presume a person's sexuality but Changbin was anything but straight. He'd kissed Jisung and he'd wanted it. He'd even gone and kissed some other random boy. Straight people just don't do that.  
"Jisung, that's not even possible."  
It was then that Jisung realised Changbin had no idea what bisexuality was and alot of things began to make sense. Changbin liked girls and thought that was that. That he could only like one gender, because that's just how it worked.  
One glance at Changbin's tired face however, told Jisung that informing the other on bisexuality should be done another time. The last thing he wanted was Changbin getting angry and spending another night sleeping on their bench.

"Come back to mine tonight. You can sleep in my bed."

Changbin weakly nodded, following Jisung as he stood up and led them back out of the park. They walked in an uncomfortable silence that Jisung was too afraid to break. He could tell Changbin was slightly on edge and didn't want to say anything that would upset him. When they were only a few metres away from Jisung's house, Jisung finally broke the silence.  
"Have you eaten?"  
Changbin nodded. "I've eaten enough. I've not really had an appetite for the past few days but I've still eaten a little, so don't worry."  
"I am worried." Jisung mumbled. By the lack of response, he presumed it had gone unheard. They finally reached the house, and Jisung led Changbin inside and up into his bedroom. Luckily, Jisung's mum wasn't yet home from work. Jisung pulled out some clothes from his drawers, handing them to Changbin.  
"Shower. You stink, no offence. I'll make us some sandwiches while you're in there."  
Changbin nodded, before heading into the bathroom whilst Jisung headed downstairs. He pulled out his phone, and rung Chan.

"I found him."  
"Oh thank god. Is he okay?"  
"Honestly, I don't think so. But I'm making him stay over tonight and I probably won't go to school tomorrow."  
"I can skip as well if you'd like."  
"No, it's okay. I think I need to talk to him alone to be honest. Come by after school though."  
"Yeah, sure. Will do. Keep me updated, yeah?"  
"I will. Bye."  
"Bye."

Jisung ended the call and quickly made some sandwiches before heading back up to his room. Changbin had already gotten out of the shower. He was lying on Jisung's bed with his eyes shut, his wet hair soaking Jisung's pillow. Jisung put the sandwiches down, taking a small bite of one before quickly getting changed into comfier clothes. Changbin remained asleep, so Jisung decided they'd have to talk in the morning. He went and got an extra pillow and threw it on the floor, along with a small blanket. He turned off the lights, but just as he was about to lie down on the ground, he heard Changbin mumbling something but he couldnt quite make out the words. Jisung crawled across the floor so that he was sat next to his bed, close enough to hear what Changbin was saying.

"Can you sleep next to me?"  
Jisung gulped at the question, unsure if he had heard it right. Changbin wasn't usually one for displays of affection, but then again Jisung had also thought he was straight until only a few weeks ago, when he clearly wasn't.  
"Are you sure?" Jisung whispered. Changbin didn't respond and only shuffled over so that there was space for Jisung to lie down. Jisung had a small single bed, so it was a tight squeeze as he fidgeted around so he could get comfortable. After he settled down, Jisung realised how close his face was to Changbin's. He was unwilling to let a kiss happen between them once again, so shifted down so that his head could lie on Changbins chest. He was well aware that Changbin hadn't asked him to cuddle, but when the boy wrapped his arm around Jisung's waist, he figured that what he was doing was okay.

Changbin was warm and comfortable and Jisung felt safe in his arms. He hated how he was letting himself fall into the trap again, but the feeling Changbin provided for his heart was unmatchable. He could hear Changbin's breathing evening out, and once he was sure he was asleep, Jisung allowed himself to succumb to the slumber trying to take over him.

Jisung woke up at around nine the next morning, but Changbin was still fast asleep so Jisung remained still, not wanting to wake him. He stayed lying awake next to Changbin for around an hour, admiring his beauty and how peaceful he looked. At around ten, Changbin's eyes gently fluttered open and Jisung took this as his sign to finally sit up. He stretched his arms, releasing a wide yawn before turning back to look at Changbin. He was slowly coming to his senses, as he rubbed the sleep away from his eyes. He imitated Jisung's yawn before joining him in sitting up.  
"Morning." Jisung said, with a bright, merry voice. Changbin grumbled a more tired version back, but still offered a small smile. Jisung climbed out of the bed, frowning at the site of the uneaten sandwiches upon his desk.  
"We should eat. I'm really hungry." He suggested. Changbin just nodded. The lack of noise coming from Changbin unsettled Jisung. Everything felt so off and so wrong.

Once they were both downstairs, Jisung brought a bowl of cereal over to where Changbin was sat on the sofa. They sat cross-legged, facing each other as they began to eat.  
"We need to talk." Jisung said, before taking a mouthful of his food. Changbin sighed, but didn't reply, forcing Jisung to carry on the conversation.  
"First up. Say sorry." He said bluntly and rather harshly. Changbin looked up from his food, his spoon hovering mid air as he glanced as Jisung. He sighed, dropping the spoon into the bowl.  
"I'm sorry. I've been a dick. I've messed with your feelings and I know that's so awful but I swear, I did mean to. I'm so sorry, Jisung."  
Jisung wasn't quite willing to fully accept the apology so just nodded. They continued to eat in silence until Jisung finished his cereal. He put the bowl down before he spoke again.  
"Second. You need to explain to me what happened with your dad, okay? I need to know so I can help you. Is that okay?" His voice was softer and more caring, and Changbin visably relaxed, nodding slightly. He too had finished his food, so put his bowl down next to Jisung's.

"Right so. I don't know why right, but I was wondering what it's like to kiss a guy. And I know I've kissed you but this was different. So I went to some party after I left your house, and there was this guy that was kind of cute so we left together and well, we were at a bus stop making out and my dad drove by and saw me. He dragged me into his car, and like just sent me into my room. I didn't come to school that day, and we got into a massive fight and he was screaming and he tried to hit me and it was a mess. Like, plates being thrown at my head kind of mess. Anyway, Jeongin came home and then my dad just told me he never wanted to see me again so I just left. No clothes, no money, no nothing. And my phone ran out of charge yesterday too. I didn't want to burden Chan and I figured you were pissed me so I've been spending the nights on our bench. It's kind of hidden so it was safe enough."

Jisung felt horrible for not searching sooner. Changbin not coming to school had never been about him. He felt so selfish for letting his friend suffer on his own.  
"Fuck, Changbin. I'm sorry."  
"Trust me, Jisung. You of all people don't have to be sorry. I brought this on myself." Changbin said with a deep, heavy sigh. It hurt Jisung to think Changbin blamed himself. His dad had been homophobic to him even though he himself was confused about his sexuality. As well as that, he'd been all alone out of fear that he'd burden or annoy his friends.  
"Changbin. It's not your fault, okay?" Jisung assured him though the message didn't seem to be getting through. Neither of them spoke, and Jisung knew what needed to say next, but he was still afraid.

"Changbin. Have you ever considered that you might be bisexual?"

There was a long pause. Jisung held his breath, too afraid of breaking the tense silence. Changbin tilted his head slightly, "Bi-what?"  
"Bisexual. It's when your attracted to both men and women."  
Changbin frowned, shaking his head.  
"I'm-- That can't-- Its not-- No, just no, okay?"  
He stood from his seat on the sofa, and Jisung was quick to copy his action, holding onto Changbin shoulders to stop him from going anywhere.  
"I'm not saying you are. But maybe you should look into it, yeah? You never know."  
Changbin rolled his eyes, shrugging Jisung's hands off his shoulders.  
"I'm going for a walk. Where's my phone?" He said. Jisung sighed, not wanting to push it too much. He walked into his kitchen and grabbed Changbin's phone, before handing it to him.  
"I put it on charge last night so you should be good to go."  
Changbin nodded, smiling slightly as he took the phone. He had no other belongings on him, so quickly said goodbye and left.

Jisung went to get his phone, quickly calling Chan.  
"He's left."  
"Did you fight?"  
"No. No. Just... I said something that he didn't appreciate much."  
"Oh okay. Where's he going?"  
"He's just walking."  
"I'll tell him to come to mine." Chan said, Jisung frowned.   
"Are you not at school?"  
"No. So I'll call him. Are you okay, Jisung?"   
"Yeah, I'm fine just keep me updated when he gets there."  
"Okay, Ji. It'll be okay, yeah?" Chan asked. Jisung paused, not quite sure if it would be.

"Goodbye Chan." And he hung up the phone.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> changbin has some news  
> and things start to look up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um so maybe im really bad at quick updates  
> sorry fjdjdjsj 
> 
> uh i made a twitter for aus and stuff if you want to follow me there @seochngbns
> 
> im sorry if there's typos I proofread this really fast  
> also this story is like basically finished, only one (at a push two) more chapters to go

Jisung was confused about his feelings for Changbin. They hadn't ever died, but he had, at some point, also developed a small crush on Felix. Though it was tiny in comparison to his feelings for Changbin, Jisung knew Felix felt the same way and was sure of his own feelings. Changbin was refusing to even believe he could be something other than straight, and Jisung had no idea how long he'd have to wait for Changbin to realise who he was. And all that was dependant on Changbin actually being bi. Jisung sighed, his heart so confused. He picked up his phone and searched for Felix's number. He stared at it, his finger only millimetres away from calling the other boy. He pressed his thumb down, waiting nervouslessly for him to pick up.

"Jisung. Hey." He sounded slightly annoyed. Jisung frowned.  
"Hey. Are you okay?"  
"Yeah. I'm at school."  
"Oh, right. I didn't come in because--"  
"Because of Changbin. Yeah, I know." Felix was definitely pissed off, and clearly Changbin was the reason. Jisung internally groaned. Felix's obvious jealousy over Changbin was starting to annoy Jisung. He hated how childish it was.  
"Felix. Don't be like that. He's my friend." Jisung said. Felix just scoffed.  
"Friend? Maybe you really are just leading him on. It's seemed to be your thing."  
Jisung stood stunned, offended by Felix's bitter comment.  
"I haven't been leading either of you on. Stop being like this, Felix."  
"Fuck you, Jisung." And the call was over. Jisung stared down at his phone, angry and still in shock. His heart, however, was less confused than it had been. If Felix couldn't even have the decency to talk to him properly, then he wasn't someone Jisung was willing to give up his heart to. With a sigh, Jisung decided he would just go back to bed, and sleep away the rest of his day.

Jisung woke up the next morning to loud bangs on his door. He was grateful he'd overslept enough so that his mum had already left for work, because the banging was loud enough for them to get complaints from their neighbours. Only half awake, Jisung sprinted down the stairs, swinging the door open to reveal a tired looking Changbin. He looked like he hadn't slept at all, whereas Jisung clearly had gotten more than enough sleep.  
"Okay, so I've been doing some research and I think you might be right?" Changbin said, barging through the door. Jisung made a face of surprise. "You actually listened?" He asked, and Changbin just laughed, surprisingly chill about the topic.  
"Yeah. I went to Chan's and used his wifi so I could do a bunch of quizzes and they all said I was bi." Jisung couldn't help but roll his eyes at Changbin's words.  
"Quizzes aren't always accurate. I wanted you to research for yourself and see if it felt fitting or not." Jisung said.  
"But I'm not good with reading long things. You know that. I mean, the quizzes kind of seem useful but how did you know? That you were gay?"  
Changbin asked, before walking into the front room and sitting down on the sofa. Jisung joined him. "Well, I mean, my massive crush on my best friend was kind of a give away?"

"Your massive crush on me made you realise you were gay?" Changbin asked, and Jisung scoffed.  
"I knew I was gay before I met you."  
"But you do have a massive crush on me?" Changbin stared at him, asking genuinely and without an ounce of teasing in his voice.  
"I-" Jisung hesitated, the pause already a clear indication of his answer. He considered denying it but realised there was no point.  
"Obviously. I've kissed you a bunch, Changbin. And when I kiss people, it's normally because I like them." Jisung's slight dig at Changbin went unnoticed, as he just merely nodded in response.  
There was a sudden silence, a strange tension that Jisung was unsure of how to break.

"Can I kiss you?" Changbin asked and Jisung immediately shook his head, his eyes rolling in disappointment.  
"No. I'm not being used by you again. I don't even care if it's to help you figure out your sexuality."  
"It's not. That's not why I want to kiss you." Changbin responded, and Jisung frowned.  
"What? No offence, but you've not really got any other reason to kiss me."  
"You said you kiss the people you like." Changbin said, his voice gradually getting smaller.  
"Yeah. As in like like, Changbin. Not friends." Jisung said with a small laugh, making Changbin groan, the frustration clear.  
"For fucks sake, Jisung. I'm trying to tell you that I like you."  
Oh. Jisung hadn't expected that, the thought not once crossing his mind. He stared back at Changbin, unsure if he had heard right. His best friend had just confessed to him, and as much as Jisung wanted it to be true, he refused to believe it was.  
"Don't. Changbin, you literally only came out to me as bi just a moment ago, and now, suddenly, you're out here confessing your feelings to me. Stop fucking me about, okay?" Jisung stood from the sofa, feeling the anger surging through his veins. He was sick to death of the mind games. Changbin quickly joined him in standing, his eyes full of desperation.

"Jisung, I'm not fucking you about. I've like you for months now. I mean, why do you think I kissed you in the locker room that time?" Changbin asked. Jisung frowned. In his head, he'd convinced himself that he had initiated the kiss, not Changbin, and that the only reason Changbin didn't pull away at first was because of how stressed out he was. To hear Changbin admit that he'd purposefully kissed him that day made Jisung's legs wobble slightly. He went to speak up but Changbin was already talking again.  
"And at your house after that party, I wanted you. So bad, Jisung. But I thought it was wrong. I've always liked girls, and then you came along and everything got so confusing."  
Shocked would be the perfect way to describe how Jisung felt. He was unsure of how to react to what Changbin was saying, his words seemingly endless as he continued,  
"And that day last week. When we talked about crushes making you feel different and stuff. I kissed you and I felt the fireworks. Just like I have everytime and it freaked me out because, how can I like boys if I'm straight? So I tested it out on some other boy, to see if maybe just kissing boys felt like that. But it didn't. Nothing feels as magical as it does with you. I like you, Jisung, a lot. And I get that you don't have to like me back anymore, but I swear to you that this isn't a joke, okay? I really do like you." Changbin finished, his eyes brimming with tears from the explosion of emotions. 

Jisung released a breath he hadn't even realised he'd been holding. He remained still, completely clueless as to what to say. Changbin had liked him all along. He'd fucked around with Jisung's emotions, but only because he didn't understand his own. It was nothing to do with him being a heartless prick, only a vulnerable boy who was scared out of his mind and losing all of his friends in the process. Jisung's heart was racing, as he stared into Changbin's eyes. The emotions they held brought tears to Jisung's own eyes. He was well and truly speechless, so decided to respond in the only way he could think of. He stepped closer to Changbin, leaning slowly closer to him. He wrapped his arms around Changbin's waist, watching as his eyes fluttered shut. Jisung's heart flipped at the sight, knowing that what was about happen was actually real.  
He closed the gap, sparks seemingly flying around them the moment their lips touched. The kiss was full of held back emotions, a fiery passion burning in their hearts. Despite having kissed Changbin multiple times before, nothing was comparable to that moment. The kiss ended just before they could run out of breath, eyes opening as they pulled apart. Jisung couldn't help the wide smile that painted itself on his face, and his heart swelled as he watched Changbin's face do the same, his cheeks flushed slightly pink.

"Fuck this feels so right." Changbin said, his hand lifting so he could hold Jisung's cheek. There was a moment of silence, a moment of pure appreciation of what had just happened and what it all meant. Jisung's heart continued to race, his ears burning. He'd never felt so alive and yet so scared at the same time. It all felt too perfect, and he was certain that unless Changbin ran away within the next ten minutes, it was all a dream.

"Please. Please tell me you mean it." Jisung whispered, his words barely even audible. Changbin nodded, the guilt from Jisung's words shining in his eyes.  
  "I'm not going to run away this time."  
And Jisung believed him. He knew it was a gamble and that he was once again putting his heart at risk but it was a risk he was more than willing to take.  
"I- Just, please don't tell anyone yet. I need to tell Chan that I'm bisexual and I've got a lot to explain to him and yeah." Changbin said, stopping just as he was beginning to ramble. Jisung nodded.  
"That's fine. Take your time."  
Changbin smiled cutely, before once more closing the gap between them. The kiss, however, was anything but cute. It was hungry, passionate. Jisung was surprised at the sudden change of atmosphere but he had no complaints, his hands tugging lightly on Changbin's hair. Jisung felt as if he was floating, as if Changbin was the only thing keeping him on his feet. His heart was going crazy inside his chest, his mind focused only on the way Changbin's lips felt against his. They pulled apart breathless and dazed. Changbin smiled brightly, and Jisung was sure he'd never seen a smile so beautiful.

"We have a lot of things to sort out." Jisung said, remembering his confusing issue with Felix and how Chan was completely out of the loop. Jisung couldn't help but feel bad for not talking to Seungmin about everything aswell. Changbin nodded in agreement.   
"Not now though. I feel really really happy right now and I kind of really don't want to fuck that up." It was when Changbin said this that Jisung was reminded of how utterly exhausted Changbin looked. The dark circles under his eyes and his slow movements screamed fatigue.   
"You need to sleep." Jisung said, before grabbing Changbin's hand and pulling him upstairs. There was no objections as Jisung pushed Changbin onto his bed.   
"Sleep. I'll wake you in a couple of hours." Jisung ordered.   
"Or, you could cuddle me and sleep next to me." Changbin suggested. As much as Jisung liked the idea, he really needed to talk to Felix and sort things out between them. Changbin could see Jisung's hesitation to say yes.   
"Please. Not to sound stupid, but it makes me feel safe and I really just want to hold you, you know, incase this is all a dream." Changbin said, a slightly whiny tone to his voice. Jisung smiled softly.  
"It feels kind of unreal to me too." He responded, with a quiet voice. Changbin didn't speak again. Instead he shifted over in the bed, opening up his arms as an invitation. Jisung couldn't resist it. He figured he might aswell enjoy how perfect everything felt a little longer before turning it all to shit by talking to Felix. So he climbed into the bed, snuggling up next to Changbin and closing his eyes, allowing himself to just enjoy the moment. 

It felt perfect.


	21. finish line.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> loose ends are finally tied  
> and jisung is finally happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its been a whole two weeks im so sorry  
> uhhh last chapter as well   
> sorry if it's shit i really tried but i still kind of hate it

A dream. Jisung felt like it had to be a dream. Waking up in Changbin's arms without the fear of him breaking his heart felt too much like a dream and it was one Jisung was sure he never wanted to wake up from. He pushed himself closer into Changbin's chest, squeezing his eyes shut to keep himself from waking fully.  
The arms that were wrapped around him loosened slightly and Jisung held his breath, scared of what would happen, eyes still tightly squeezed shut. But rather than any of the bad scenarios Jisung could have imagined, a small kiss was pressed agasint his forehead. Jisung could feel his heart soaring as he snapped his eyes open to see Changbin smiling softly at him.  
"You don't understand how amazing this all feels. I finally feel like I know myself and like I've done something right for once." He whispered, and Jisung smiled in response, planting a small kiss on Changbin's nose. The action resulted in a light giggle that only made Jisung's heart beat faster.

It had to be a dream. Jisung had never seen Changbin look so adorable and so happy. But it suited him perfectly, the wide smile and soft eyes.  
"I can't believe this is real." Jisung uttered, unaware that he'd spoken his thoughts out loud. Changbin laughed slightly, "Honestly, me too."  
Unsurprisingly, the tranquil moment didn't last long, as Jisung's phone began to ring, the noise blaring loudly across the room. Against his desire, Jisung climbed out of bed, and out of the warmth of Changbin's arms, to go and get his phone. He was confused to see Felix's name on the screen. Full of questions, he answered the call, waiting patiently for a voice.  
"I'm sorry."  
"What?" Jisung asked, confused as to what was happening.  
"I'm sorry for being a dick to you. You haven't been leading me on. I just like you so much and it hurt to think you didn't like me back. The shit I've said to you won't have helped much either." Felix said, a slight desperation to his tone.  
Jisung frowned, unsure of how to respond. He turned to see Changbin watching him with curious eyes and just shrugged.  
"Anyway, I guess the point of this call was to just... To ask if you could give me a chance."  
"A chance?"  
"To show you that we would be good together. I know we've had like mini dates but they weren't technically dates so I just want one real try."  
Jisung bit his lip, unsure of how to answer without mentioning Changbin.  
"I'm sorry, Felix. I just don't like you like that, I'm sorry."  
There was a short pause on the other end of the phone and Jisung hoped there wasn't about to be an explosion of anger. He was pleasantly surprised.  
"Don't be sorry. It's okay. I get that you love Changbin."  
"I don't love him." Jisung quickly replied with a small laugh, unintentionally making eye contact with Changbin as he did so.  
"Maybe you don't realise it yet. But you've given him chances beyond what you would for a little crush."  
"I-" Felix cut him off before he could defend himself.  
"I'll see you around, yeah?" And the call cut off, leaving Jisung once again confused as to how to react.

"Who was that?" Changbin's voice broke Jisung out of his state of confusion. It took a moment for Jisung to recollect his thoughts before he replied.  
"Oh. Felix."  
"Is he okay? Has something happened?" An instant reminder that Changbin had no idea of Felix's feelings towards Jisung.  
"Oh. Yeah, he's fine. It's nothing." Jisung responded. Changbin just nodded, shrugging slightly as he did so. A loud grumble then filled the room, both pairs of eyes instantly looking down at Jisung's stomach.  
"I'm a bit hungry." Jisung said with a small laugh.  
"A bit? You sound more than just a bit hungry."  
Chaangbin said. Jisung just nodded.  
"Yeah."  
"Let's get food then." Changbin said, standing up and waking over to Jisung's drawers. Jisung followed him.   
"What? Like, right now?"   
"Yeah. Let's make it a date." Changbin turned to Jisung with a confident smile, just as he pulled out some clothes.   
"I'm wearing these. Thanks." He said, before leaving the drawers and walking back into the centre of Jisung's room. Like he was hypnotised, Jisung just watched as Changbin took off his shirt, discarding somewhere on the floor.

"Jisung. Get changed." Changbin said, before covering his chest with a new top. Jisung could feel the blood rushing to his face.   
"I-i am." He managed to say, quickly pulling out some clothes that he could wear.   
"I don't know. It kind of felt like you were watching me get changed instead."   
Jisung just scoffed. As much as he was embarrassed, he was also aware of the way Changbin's eyes followed him and he walked closer to him.   
"It kind of feels like you're watching me." Jisung said, before slowly taking off his shirt, looking directly into Changbin's eyes as he did so. He saw the small gulp that traveled down Changbin's throat and couldn't help but laugh as he put on the new t-shirt.   
"Nah. This is too risky. I'm getting changed in the bathroom." Changbin said, grabbing the rest of his clothes and leaving Jisung's room.

After they were both ready, they left Jisung's house and headed towards a cute café in town that did good breakfast food. They held hands on the empty streets but as soon as they got to the higgstreet, they returned to acting like friends. It didn't feel good, being forced to act a certain way. Jisung understood Changbin's reasons, but at the same time was unsure as to how long he'd be able to keep it up. 

Once they'd made it to the café, they ordered their food and sat at a small table in the corner.   
"When are you planning on telling Chan?" Jisung asked. Changbin shrugged.   
"I'm not sure. I don't want to shock him too much."  
"Well, I mean he already knows we kissed." As soon as the words left his mouth, Jisung realised his mistake. There was a flash of anger on Changbin's face and Jisung could feel his heart rate begin to speed up.   
"He knows? You told him?" The aggressive tone made Jisung flinch, terrified to answer. He couldn't seem to bring himself to say yes so just simply nodding.   
"Are you joking? Jisung you promised you wouldn't say anything. Who else have you told?" Changbin had raised his vocie slightly, gaining the attention of other people in the café.   
"Felix. And Seungmin." Jisung replied, his voice small and timid. But despite Changbin's anger, Jisung could clearly see that he was scared. Scared of the rumours, of the reactions.   
"You promised, Jisung. Who fucking breaks that kind of promise?" Changbin said. 

"Me. I did. I do, when people fuck me about so much that I spend every single night crying, wondering why I'm not good enough and why I'm stupid enough to let you play me every single time. I told them because if I didn't, I wouldn't have realised how to cope with the fact that you wee treating me like absolute shit. I told them because that's just how badly you hurt me, Changbin." Jisung spoke calmly, his voice not loud or aggressive despite the weight his words held. Changbin looked speechless and even more scared then before.   
"I- I'm sorry." He whispered, all the agression gone as if it had never existed. Jisung watched the way Changbin's shoulders curled forward, the way his eyes remained low, his frown deepening.   
Yes, Jisung was angry, but Changbin was terrified out of his mind. 

"Stop. It's okay. I'm sorry for exploding like that. You're scared, Changbin. I get that. But they don't care that you're not straight. They only cared that you were hurting me."   
"Chan... He must hate me for how I treated you." Changbin said, his hands rising to cover his face.   
Jisung leaned across the table to pull them away.   
"No. He doesn't. Sure, he's a little mad. But he'll understand. And he still cares about you like his own brother. He always will."   
The moment was broken by a waiter bring over their food. Two plates of delicious food were placed on the table in front on them, and it helped to lift the mood slightly. They started eating in silence, before beginning a light hearted conversation.

It was only when they'd both finished that Jisung decided to bring up Chan again.   
"We can talk to him today if you'd like."   
Changbin seemed to consider the suggestion but he still appeared hesitant.   
"Only if you want to, obviously. And we don't have to talk about whatever this is," Jisung pointed at them both.   
"What is this?" Changbin asked, looking at Jisung with soft eyes. Jisung was unsure how to answer. He didn't know. They were more than friends, but they'd only just accepted that. He didn't want to rush anything or stick a label on whatever it was.   
"Honestly, i think we should just enjoy ourselves before we put labels on stuff." Jisung said, speaking honestly. Changbin nodded in agreement.   
"I like that idea. And I think I'm okay with speaking to Chan about stuff today. Only if you're there too, though." Changbin said and Jisung nodded. 

A few hours later, they met up with Chan in a small park. They each sat on a swing, with nobody speaking at first. Chan eventually broke the atmosphere.   
"You guys have finally made up then?" He said, glancing to both of them.   
"Yeah. We're good." Jisung said, with a small smile.   
"Okay. Good. But Changbin apologised first, right? Because I love you, Changbin. But hearing how you treated Jisung really made me mad."   
Jisung noticed Changbin shrink into himself slightly as he replied with a quiet 'of course.' Chan also noticed the reaction, burrowing his eyebrows slightly.   
"Hey. I'm not still mad at you. It's- Changbin are you okay?" Chan stood from his seat, and so did Jisung shocked to see Changbin had started crying again. Chan was quick to envelope Changbin in a hug, holding his head gently.   
"Are you okay? What's wrong?" Chan said. He, like Jisung, rarely saw Changbin cry so the sight was always a concern. There was a small pause before Changbin pulled away from the hug, his eyes focused on Jisung.   
"Fuck. I think I love you." His voice quiet but still audible, the words making Jisung's eye widen. Chan made a noise indicating his confusion. 

"I feel very out of the loop." He said. Jisung ignored his words, his head still trying to process what Changbin said.   
"You don't mean that." Jisung whispered, shaking his head ever so slightly. He couldn't for sure say he loved Changbin, but still had presumed if anyone were to have the said the words first, it wouldn't have been Changbin.   
"I do. I really do. Like, it just hit me. Like, How awful I feel for the way I treated you, how I felt this morning waking up and seeing your face and the way even just holding your hand made me feel like I was floating and the way-"   
"Stop. No. You just like me, Changbin. You don't love me."   
"He does." Chan said suddenly and Jisung couldn't help but pull a face.   
"How would you know?" 

"I- Just look, Ji. The way he's looking at you. Like, fuck I've never seen him look at anyone like that. And honestly, going back on it, the little things he do for you. Giving you his jumper, even though I know he hates sharing clothes and never ever gives me anything, or calling you to help him, because he trusts you. Like, I know he trusts me but with you... He trusts his heart with you." 

Jisung stared at Chan in disbelief and then at Changbin who was nervously looking at the floor, tears still rolling down his cheeks. 

"I get that it seems like he just likes you. But he treats you different. Like, before you joined school, he dated this girl for a good eight or so months and he treated her like she was an absolute princess. He liked her so much. But he didn't love her. I could tell. But with you, he's got that look in his eyes. Like, I genuinely see how much he loves you." 

"Yeah, but maybe... Maybe that's just a friend kind of love. Like how he loves you, or how he loves Jeongin. It just looks different because it's mixed with him liking me." Jisung argued, unsure why he was so unwilling to accept that Changbin might actually love him.   
"No. It's not the same. I've known him for years, Jisung. I know him better than he knows himself sometimes. It's there, okay? Whether you want him to or not, he loves you." 

Jisung was well and truly at a loss for words. It was a lot to take in. The idea that anyone could actually love him like that was in itself overwhelming, and the fact that it was Changbin made every ten times more intimidating. 

" I- You don't love me back, I know that. I don't expect you to, but please don't leave." Changbin's pleads came the moment Jisung turned around to leave. He wanted to run away, to think about everything in the safety of his own room. He thought back to earlier that morning, when Felix had said he loved Changbin and he'd completely denied it for Changbin to hear. Jisung wonders how much that hurt Changbin to hear, if he'd figured it out that they were talking about him. 

"Please, Jisung. Please don't leave." Changbin's voice cracked at the end and Jisung knew he didn't have it in himself to walk away. He hesitantly turned back around, faced immediately Changbin's vulnerable eyes, drowned completely in tears. It hurt Jisung to seem him so sad, and he could tell it was hurting Chan too.   
"I'm here, it's okay. I'm not leaving." Jisung walked forward with open arms and Changbin immediately jumped up and allowed himself to be embraced. After a few moments of calming Changbin down, the three boy resat themselves onto the swings.   
"So, I've missed a lot." Chan said, laughing slightly. 

"Oh, yeah. I'm bi." Changbin said, so casually that Jisung almost didn't register it in his mind. Chan didn't react either.   
"Okay."   
"Okay? Are you not, like, shocked?" Changbin asked, clearly confused by the lack of reaction. Chan laughed loudly.   
"Changbin. You just admitted that you love Jisung and you want me to act surprised that you're bi. I mean, seriously?" Jisung joined Chan in laughing at how ridiculous it was and soon Changbin was laughing too. It felt nice. It felt normal. All three of them, in the park and just having fun.   
"So, what? Are you guys together now or...?"  
Changbin and Jisung both just shrugged and Chan laughed again.   
"Okay. I can fuck with that. Have you told Seungmin and Felix?" Chan asked.   
    "No. They don't need to know." Changbin said strongly and Jisung was okay with that. Seungmin wasn't close to Changbin and didn't really need to know that he was bi. And Jisung wasn't quite up for telling Felix either so he understood why Changbin also wanted to keep quiet.  
"Jeongin?" Chan asked and Changbin's face fell instantly.   
"Shit." He whispered, and Jisung could see his small hands already starting to shake. He quickly joined their hands, offering a small squeeze of comfort.   
"I need to speak to him. I left him with dad. God, he must hate me. I'm such a shit brother. Fuck, if he finds out he'll probably hate me even more." Changbin ripped his hand out of Jisung's grip, frantically standing up and about to run away until Chan caught his wrist.   
"Woah. Calm down. Jeongin's fine. I've been texting him daily to make sure he's okay. And he doesn't hate you. Actually, if anything he was the most worried." 

Changbin visably calmed down, releasing a deep sigh. "I've been such a fucking burden." He said, pouting slightly before shuffling over to Jisung.   
It was Changbin's way of asking to sit on Jisung's lap, and it was nothing but adorable. Jisung smiled and let Changbin plop down heavily onto his lap, leaning into Jisung slightly. It was so unlike the persona Changbin worked to hard to give off, and Jisung loved it more than anything that Changbin felt comfortable enough to be himself around him and Chan.   
"No, you haven't. Okay, yes, I've been worried sick about you but I'm not at all annoyed. And neither is Jisung, or Jeongin." Chan said with a soft smile. Changbin nodded and Jisung planted a short kiss on to his cheek, which immediately went red in embarrassment. Jisung's heart fluttered at the sight, a small smile forming on his face. 

"Do you want me to call him?" Chan asked, already pulling out his phone.

"Uh. Yeah. But it's already starting to get dark and I don't want him coming to this part of town on his own so can we go to one of yours?" Changbin asked. Chan immediately took up on the offer before ringing Jeongin and telling him the plan. During the call, Jisung could tell Changbin was nervous, so wrapped his arms around his waist, planting two kisses on his neck. Changbin turned to him with a wide smile, visably more relaxed. He glanced to Chan to check he was still on the phone, before leaning forward and gently kissing Jisung. There was nobody in the park to see them but Jisung was still shocked. He kissed back nonetheless, much to Chan's disapproval.

"Guys." Chan whined, and they both pulled apart in a fit of giggles. Jisung felt so happy, a feeling he hadn't truly felt in months. He realised how much he'd missed just spending time with Chan and Changbin, and regretted how long all the drama had gone on for.  
"Guys. Let's not ever fight again." He said, hiding his face into the Changbin's neck after he did so.  
"I second that." Chan said, after he'd hung up the phone call. He stood from his swing and gestured for Changbin and Jisung to do the same.  
"We need to head back now otherwise he'll probably get there before us." Chan said, already exiting the park. Jisung quickly ran to catch up, pulling Changbin along by his wrist. The walk back felt completely normal too, minus the way Changbin was holding Jisung's hand. The three of them joked around, talked about random things and just acted how they alway had.

They eventually arrived to Chan's house, Jeongin walking down the road at the same time as them. There was an awkward air as Changbin and Jeongin noticed each other. The guilt on Changbin's face made Jisung want to cry, but Jeongin's look of relief indicated that Changbin had no reason to feel that way. Jisung and Chan stepped back to allow them to have a moment, hugging each other tightly and trying to hold back the tears.  
  "I'm sorry." Changbin said, pulling away from the hug. Jeongin went to speak but Chan cut him off.  
"Wait. Let's talk inside, it's starting to get cold." They gratefully entered the warmth of Chan's house, quickly heading up to his room. Jisung and Chan decided to stay downstairs and give them some space to talk alone.

"So. Can you feel me in in some of the gaps?"  
Chan asked, dramatically falling back onto the sofa. Jisung joined him, yawning slightly as he relaxed into the cushions.  
"Yeah. Basically, Changbin had no idea what bisexuality was, but like I suggested he might be bi. And obviously he got defensive but then he went round yours and did a bunch of quizzes apparently-"

"I mean, that does explain why he got mad when I tried to steal his phone." Chan cuts in. Jisung nods.

"Yeah. Well, anyway. He came round this morning announcing that he's bi and stuff and then he admitted that he liked me. I got mad at first because I was presuming he was taking the piss again. But, like, he meant it. So we kissed, then went to bed and cuddled and stuff. Then this morning, I mean, you know most of, so..."

"So, things moved fast, huh?" Chan said, the tone he used being so vague that it worried Jisung slightly.  
"Yeah, do you think that's bad?" Jisung asked, scared for the answer. Chan took a moment to think, pulling a strange face as he did so before shaking his head.  
"No. Don't get me wrong, usually I would be saying yes. But I think he's just maybe a bit afraid of losing you, or he's just that blindly in love with that he doesn't realise how odd it is." Chan replied. Jisung just hummed in response, unable to properly answer as Jeongin and Changbin came into the room. Tears had clearly been shed, but they were both smiling so Jisung presumed any problems had been resolved.  
"So, my mum's out tonight and I just text her and she said you guys can stay over if you want." Chan said, looking up from his phone with hopeful eyes. Jeongin and Changbin were quick to agree and after a small moment of consideration, Jisung agreed too.

They spent the evening watching different films, ones that made them laugh and one's that made them scream. It was fun. Jisung was curled up into Changbin's side, his head rested comfortably on his chest. As the time came up to midnight, Changbin began to drift off into a sleep, his arms still tightly wrapped around Jisung's body. Neither Jeongin or Chan made any comments about it, and eventually they fell asleep as well.

Jisung scanned his surroundings. He had never felt so at home, so safe. Things had been hard, the past few months putting him through emotional turmoil. But looking at the scene in front of him, Jisung knew he'd do it all again if he had to. He was aware that he had to sort things out with Felix still, and that he had to update Seungmin on everything that had happened. But in that moment, Jisung felt nothing but calm. Changbin stirred slightly, his eyes barely opening as he looked down at Jisung.

"Go to sleep." He whispered, kissing Jisung's nose before closing his eyes again. Jisung smiled, following the orders and allowing himself to finally succumb to sleep, his heart light and a smile stuck to his face. 

He dreamed of nothing but the colour yellow. 

 

the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who's read and supported this fic!!
> 
> sorry if the ending didn't meet expectations :(  
> i am planning on doing another long binsung fic so ye that's coming soon
> 
> thank you again ily guys and uM i hope you enjoyed lmao  
> twt. @seochngbns


	22. please read!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ BELOW

hey. small disclaimer that i hope you take the time to read. 

so i just want to clarify that the way changbin treated jisung in this wasnt good. and his small apology wasn't anywhere near good enough as a solution.

for their relationship to be healthy and good, there would have to be a much longer process of changbin correcting his mistakes for the way he treated jisung.

i just want to make sure that if you read this story, you can realise that even if they had a happy ending, their relationship was still not in a healthy place. 

changbin and jisung would need to build a brand new foundation for their relationship because the one that pre-existed was very toxic and that is a dangerous way to begin any relationship. 

if you read my story, thank you so much for giving it your time. i hope you all stay happy and safe.   
im sorry if i badly portrayed anything in this fic and feel free to point out anything that i have done wrong as I would prefer to better myself than keep making the same mistakes. 

thank you once again.


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